Hello all, Just a quick note to tell you to shift arse to our new, beautiful, home; to enter the best World Cup Competition on the flippin’ interweb. A bold claim. But one we can back up.

Announcement! New Website is Go!

This way ladies and gentlemen

I know Crab Football teased you all with a new website many moons ago, in fact, like a lusty lady of the night I believe we hitched up our skirt some two months ago and taunted your bloodshot eyes with a tantalisingly beautiful logo of a crab against a football badge, an image seemingly crafted by angels versed with photoshop and so dazzling that it surely could not have belonged to this website……

You were right.

It belonged to our new flagship website which we predicted would set sail on the 1st of October. Which was then put back to the 7th October. And then the 14th October. And then we just took the post down because it got plain silly.

However, giddy almost like a school girl we’re pleased to, finally, announce the new site is go – so head on over to:

See you there!

The Crab.

Arsene Wenger Delighted With ‘Win’ Over Chelsea

"It's like Phillipe Sendaros never left."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today condemned by his own supporters for failing to admit that Arsenal side had lost 3-0 to Chelsea, celebrating Arsenal’s ‘4-0 win’ over their arch rivals by consuming Didier Drogba’s Man of the Match campagne and giving what can only be described as an ‘interesting’ post match interview.

Arsene Wenger who, despite being French, is unable to accept defeat. Told the assembled press:

“Aha! We really showed them today! Did you see Walcott? Carved. Them. To. Pieces. I knew he’d turn into a match winner eventually. It just takes time baby. Yeahhhhhh. And what can you say about Robin Van Persie’s 40 yard screamer? He really has it all. Right foot. Left foot. I really can pick them. I know everything! What number are you thinking of? Three. Three points to Arsenal yes siree.”

A stunned Garth Crooks repeatedly asked Wenger if he was aware of that his team were easily beaten 3-0 by Carlo Ancelotti’s dominant Blues only for the impish Arsenal manager to put him in a headlock and coerce him into agreeing with his bizarre alternative version of events where Arsenal are six points clear at the top of the league, Tottenham have been relegated for match fixing and Ashely Cole has been gored to death by wild boar in a freak hiking accident.

“Some people said I couldn’t build a team for pre pubescent wonder kids, some people said I needed big money signings to shore up the squad, but I showed them! How does it feel Ashley! HOW DOES IT FEEL!” Raged Wenger, before being dragged away by Pat Rice.

Arsenal FC later re-released a pre prepared statement from Wenger identical to previous statements made after losses to Manchester United, Manchester Lite and Sunderland and made reference to ‘giving his team time,’ asked fans to ‘judge me at the end of the season‘ and warned naysayers that he ‘would never learn surrender.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Sports Psychologist Called in as Fears Over Michael Owen Grow

"Must. Appear. Human."

Manchester United have called upon the services of renowned sports psychologist Ian Porterhouse as concern continues to grow over the worsening mental state of diminutive striker Michael Owen. Sources inside of Old Trafford allege that years of combating injury, being frozen out of the national team and living in Newcastle have taken a terrible toll on the former England hot-shot and culminated in several bizarre incidents both on and off the training pitch. It is hoped that Dr Porterhouse will be able to address the problems but has warned that locating Owen’s personality ‘could take weeks.’

An anonymous insider told Crab Football that matters came to a head last week when depressed Owen dropped himself from his own Fantasy Dream team. Opting instead to promote Bobby Zamora to the first team and selling himself to fund future purchases.

Warning Signs

“It was a watershed moment,” said Gavin McTash, our anonymous source, “I think this is the first time he accepted he was a spent force and that tragically, yes, Bobby Zamora had more points than him. He was devastated. You could tell because he doesn’t usually have emotions. He hovered over the ‘confirm’ key for literally minutes, gently shaking and holding back the tears. It was so bad even some of the lads stopped smirking out of respect.”

Backroom staff had attempted to console the striker with little success as his frustrations manifested in a series of ugly outbursts. First the distraught striker openly cast aspersions on Fabio Capello’s sexuality in lurid detail on his official blog, challenged England rival Darren Bent to a fight to the death with pugiel sticks – best of three – and lastly was found naked in the shower room bellowing into his phone for Steve McClaren to ‘turn back time.’

“It is very distracting,” confirmed source McTash, “usually you could count on Michael to be the balanced, mature and ultimately dull head in the dressing room. He’s the sort of guy who relishes doing menial tasks like sorting the laundry or just quietly reading Horses Weekly. So you can imagine how difficult it is now for Sir Alex to give a rousing team talk when you have a catatonic Michael in the corner in the fetus position groaning lightly, or a frantic Micheal attempting to mail his excrement to Jermain Defoe in a fit of rage. It’s bad for moral. Bad for Michael. And ultimately unhygenic.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Avram Grant Confirmed For Suicide Mission

Avram Grant - Clinically dead.

Portsmouth chief executive Peter Storie today confirmed the totally non-shocking-news-that-nobody-saw-coming-a-mile-off that Portsmouth’s director of football Avram Grant will take over as manager from Paul Hart – effective immediately.

Cunning Storie told flabagasterd news hounds:-

“Yes it is true that Avram is the new gaffer – I know it’s hard to believe but we’ve been intending to make him manager ever since he joined us last month as “director of football” but y’know, we’d been waiting for his pesky work permit to clear and for the opportune moment to  put Paul out of his misery ….. Which was this Tuesday when he was doing his shoe laces up and looking forlorn. BAM! That’s all she wrote.”


The Pompey board are delighted to be able to bring in a manager with such a proven track record, having previously been director of football at Portsmouth in 2007 before joining Chelsea and eventually replacing Jose Mourinho as manager.

“He’s done it all,” explained Storie on the club’s official website as he dislodged the knife from between Paul Hart’s shoulder blades and muffled his last screams with a pillow, “he was one Terry howler away from winning the Champions League for God’s sake! Admittedly Frank Lampard has more skill in his big toe than Michael Brown and that the useless trollop Younnes Kabol isn’t fit to lick the mud from John Terry’s boots but I’m sure he’ll rescue us. If not we’ll arbitrarily sack him and promote some poor stodge to man the sinking ship – it’s our way.”

Grant will be in the dug out this Saturday for the visit of Manchester United.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

The Crab’s Weekend Roundup – 22nd November 2009

This is not a joke.

The rollercoaster Premier League season shows no signs of slowing down as this weekend’s fixtures produced more goals than a man with Parkinson’s could shake a stick at – with Tottenham‘s astonishing 9 – 1 over Wigan catching the eye. Tottenham, who had cast doubts on their push for a top four place with a string of frankly mediocre performances, bulldozed Wigan by a convincing 8 goal margin that could have been much more. Jermaine Defoe became only the third Premiership player to score five in a match but the plaudits must be shared with Aaron Lennon who put in the sort of performance that would have even made Christiano Ronaldo decorate his underpants in excitement.

Anything is possible now. Christ they could even win a trophy of worth.

Tottenham’s victory will be all the more sweet for the fact the Gunners lost 1 – 0 to Sunderland at the Stadium of Light to end their 13 game unbeaten streak. Darren Bent, recognising that the Arsenal team contained no Brazilians, actually played rather well, snatching the only goal of a tight game.

David Dunn was one of the few bright lights in a tepid game at Bolton, scoring a delightful opener for Blackburn before Samuel Ricketts sealed Bolton’s fourth straight defeat with a needless own goal – destined for a dreary Nick Hancock bloopers DVD that you get for Christmas from an Aunt who has never heard of youtube.

Bless her.

Stoke beat resurgent Portsmouth 1-0 at the Britannia Stadium despite the lowly visitors showing enough quality to win the game and fluffing a host of chances, including a piss weak first half spot kick from Kevin Prince Boateng, awarded after Rory Delap nearly decapitated Dindane with a Jean Claude Van Damme-esque clearance. Ricardo Fuller stole the three points with a classy second half finish.

Manchester United glided past an ineffectual Everton, thanks in no small part to Darren Fletcher, who appears to have died in the summer and been cunningly replaced by an all action wonder midfielder capable of pulling amazing goals out of kilt at the drop of a hat. His first half volley set his team on the road to a comfortable 3-0 win.

Anything Manchester United can do this year, Chelsea can do one better, although to be fair it wasn’t difficult as Wolves offered less resistance at Stamford Bridge than an ice skating rink covered in grease. Chelsea won 4-0 and showed no ill effects from the international break with Michael Essien bagging two classy goals to boot. He’ll be sorely missed during the African Nations Cup.

Hull City managed to squeeze their yearly quota of entertainment into a single match at the KC Stadium. Drawing 3-3 with a fragile West Ham team that always looks 10 minutes from total capitulation. A bullish Phil Brown optimistically claimed that his team had ‘turned a corner’ in recent weeks and would soon be ‘challenging for honours.’

Actually he didn’t say that. But he was probably thinking it.

Elsewhere Manchester Lite drew 2-2 with  Liverpool to record their sixth successive Premier League draw. Under pressure boss Mark Hughes attempted to put some gloss on the result by claiming that they had restricted Liverpools influential players from having an impact on the game” which wasn’t difficult since most of them were lying prone on the treatment table and dreaming of a January transfer. Mark Hughes’s will be hoping for 3 points against Hull next week or he will set a new record for successive draws in the Premier League and be the proud owner of a P45.

And lastly Emile Heskey scored his annual goal for Aston Villa in a 1-1 draw with Burnley (Argentina and Germany will be literally shitting themselves next summer) whilst Orc faced Lee Bowyer rolled back the years scoring Birmingham‘s only goal against Fulham.

Dean Ashton Announces Testimonial for Beleagured Hammers

"This hurts my hands."

Big hearted football star Dean Ashton delivered a welcome boost to employers West Ham last night when the retiring football ace announced he would stage a much-needed testimonial for his faithful club in recognition of their  ‘years of loyal service’ and to help ease the crippling debt at Upton Park.

Ashton, who has pocketed somewhere in the region of £50,000 a week in wages for the last two years, said on his personal website:-

“For too long I have been injured and sat on the sidelines watching in agony as the club I loved lurched from one crisis to the next. Not only could I not help the club on the pitch but I was a millstone around their neck off it. However now that I can longer maintain the pretence that I can play again I feel it is only fair that I try to give something back other than my wages – so I am happy to announce that I will stage a testimonial at my Country Pile in aid of West Ham United. Hopefully I can now take my place in the stands my executive box and cheer West Ham onto better times with a clear conscience.”

The testimonial, Ashtonstock ’09, will give wealthy fans the opportunity to watch the legendary hit man in action for a full day – watching the lumbering forward as he goes through his daily chores – shooting geese on his palatial grounds, looking at brochures for exotic beach homes – and for one lucky punter – being allowed to touch one of the cars in his vintage collection.

The timing of this generous announcement couldn’t of come at a better time for the Hammer’s, after it was confirmed that the club would not be receiving any insurance payout following Ashton’s early retirement. Paper’s filed showed they had laughably only insured Ashton against Third Party Fire and Theft and had somewhat curiously listed him as an M Reg Metallic Blue Ford Fiesta.

No Doubt this latest oversight will fall squarely at the feet of Scott Duxbury which only adds to what is shaping up as a tricky next few weeks for the West Ham Chief Executive. On the 24th he is in court to answer allegations that he had propositioned a youth player at the club’s training ground to borrow Dean Ashton for an afternoon and to then set fire to him at an abandoned car park. Then at the beginning of December the grades for his beloved ‘project’ are due to be published, where if rumours are to be believed it will be given a firm fail as apparently “the last 30 pages of the manifesto is made up entirely of images cut out from an Argos Catalogue”.

Tickets for the Testimonial ‘Event’ go on general sale soon – so stay tuned to Crab Football for any updates.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Except for the bit about a Ford Fiesta.

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

  • Manchester Lite manager Mark Hughes is set to swoop for poor man’s David Beckham, David Bentley, and is ready to offer £8 million to Tottenham for the privilege. Which represents only a loss of £8 million on the £16 million they paid Blackburn for the preening winger. Which isn’t bad for Spurs. One day they’ll learn. Expect to see Bentley showboating on the Manchester Lite wing in the near future and whipping in crosses for a clearly offside Adebayor. (The Mirror)
  • And whilst Manchester Lite are at it they’ll also overload on holding midfielders for the sheer sake of it – either that or they’re planning on forming the most fearsome boy band of all time, with The Mirror stating they’re ‘hoping’ to bring in Gennaro Gattuso from AC Milan to keep Barry, De Jong and Kompany on their toes. (The Mirror)
  • Ladbrokes, still flush with success after the naming of Wayne Rooney’s first child, have announced they are now taking bets on who will be the first openly gay Premier League footballer. However David Hampton, Sol Campbell‘s agent, has warned that punters shouldn’t bank on making a fast buck from his clients name, revealing that it was in fact Sol himself who started the false rumours about his homosexuality to ‘make himself appear more interesting.’ (The Daily Sport)
  • After Kieran Gibb’s injury playing for the England Under 21 team Arsene Wenger is set to RECALL PHILLIPE SENDEROS to the Arsenal first team with Vermaelen switching to his preffered left back to accomodate him. Wenger has also confirmed it is now a fully fledged injury crisis. (Various)
  • Chelsea are set to celebrate the lifting of their transfer ban by snaffling up the first thing they see, which in their case is Sergio Aguero, whom Abramovich has been leering at for some time now, mouthing ‘come to daddy’ whilst seductively wafting £40 million in Athletico Madrids general direction. (The Telegraph)
  • Tottenham and Manchester United are set to fight it out for the signature of Plymouth’s centre back sensation Jamie Richards. Tough choice. (The Star)
  • Liverpool will have to axe four stars from their wage bill this January to keep the club afloat. Top of the list are Rieira, Babel, Skertl and anyone else who isn’t Steven Gerrard or Torres. (The Daily Mail)
  • West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that he is not returning to football following his gap year abroad. The burly striker is said to have greatly enjoyed his time traipsing around China, Bali and Thailand and was considering teaching English in Japan next. ‘We always knew he’d never come back’ – said a resigned Gianfranco Zola. (The Daily Mail)
  • And finally Nicholas Anelka‘s autobiography ‘It’s Not Me. It’s Everyone Else‘ finally moved to the top of the book charts this week as it was revealed that Roman Abramovich had purchased 14,000 copies of the book to boast his players fragile self-esteem. However Abromovich’s PR team have stringently denied that it is only Roman’s money keeping the weighty tomb at the top of the charts, telling press that ‘it would be just as high without Roman spending that amount of money – honest.’ (The Guardian)

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

John Terry To Be Literally Grafted With Three Lions


John Terry has often been touted as the ‘lion-heart’ beating furiously at the centre of the England teams feral core – but it appears the constant barrage of Lion-esque eulogising has had an unanticipated effect. Clearly no longer satisfied with having three Lions on his shirt it appears brave Terry 29, has opted for a controversial ‘gene-splicing’ procedure at a private London clinic to merge his unique genetic make-up with that of THREE LIONS.

With the 2010 World Cup rapidly approaching, fearless Terry appears to have sought out alternative measures to not only improve his on-field performance but also enhance his patriotic credentials. Craig Muff, the visionary doctor who previously succeeded in grafting Nigel Winterburn with a bush baby, will perform the controversial operation next Thursday. He explained:-

“My fellow doctors and I have sat brave John down and attempted to explain that splicing his valiant, fearless DNA with 3 assorted Lions will achieve the same effect as doing it with a single Lion. However, John was a very clear in what he wanted. And is very rich. So, in keeping with the patients wishes, we’re going ahead with three lions.”

The initial warning signs of heroic Terry’s increasing lion-fixation were subtle but there for all to see at a Chelsea press conference in June this year; Terry refused to answer any questions from assembled hacks unless addressed as ‘Mr. Lion’ or ‘Your Highness.

Terry’s worrying but very brave spiral into Lion-obsession continued after he was cautioned for verbally chastising a group of American tourists at London Zoo in September after they dubbed Simba, the zoo’s resident lioness, a “jerk-off Lion”.

More to follow…

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Obviously.

Phil Brown Sues Wachowski Brothers Over Neo ‘Likeness’


"Hello? I need an operator!"

Hull chairmen Adam Pearson has expressed concern over manager Phil Brown’s behaviour after the eccentric Tiger’s boss confirmed via his personal website that he had started legal proceedings against Warner Brothers Entertainment and Matrix creators Andy and Larry Wachowski over his striking similarity to fictional post apocalyptic hero Neo.

Brown, ignoring anachronistic flaws in his accusation, claims that there are many parallels between the popular Matrix franchise and his Premier League career, as the man himself puts it:-

“A young, sexy, charismatic stud with a disregard for The Man and the powers that be arrives from a desolate wasteland to set peoples minds free and enlighten the masses. The only thing standing in his way is the vacant drones programmed to stop him and a bunch of c**ts in black. My life or The Matrix? It’s hard to tell sometimes pet. I’m not saying the Wachowski lads did it intentionally like, but sometimes people just get transfixed with me. Did y’know I’ve got three proper fit stalkers?”

This isn’t the first time that the tangoed tactician has made audacious and ridiculous claims. Earlier this summer he laughably claimed Hull would be in European competitions “in the near future” (here), that Michael Owen was close to signing for his struggling team (here) and that Rafa Benitez had repeatedly tried to brush against him on the touchline “in a vivid hope some of me mojo would rub off on him – saddo.”

It is alleged that things have gotten so embarrassing that Pearson has banned Brown from giving post match interviews which has incensed Brown, who has told friends “it’s just like the Diana cover up – but goes higher.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.