The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

Manchester Lite manager Mark Hughes is set to swoop for poor man’s David Beckham, David Bentley, and is ready to offer £8 million to Tottenham for the privilege. Which represents only a loss of £8 million on the £16 million they paid Blackburn for the preening winger. Which isn’t bad for Spurs. One day they’ll learn. Expect to see Bentley showboating on the Manchester Lite wing in the near future and whipping in crosses for a clearly offside Adebayor. (The Mirror)
And whilst Manchester Lite are at it they’ll also overload on holding midfielders for the sheer sake of it – either that or they’re planning on forming the most fearsome boy band of all time, with The Mirror stating they’re ‘hoping’ to bring in Gennaro Gattuso from AC Milan to keep Barry, De Jong and Kompany on their toes. (The Mirror)

Ladbrokes, still flush with success after the naming of Wayne Rooney’s first child, have announced they are now taking bets on who will be the first openly gay Premier League footballer. However David Hampton, Sol Campbell‘s agent, has warned that punters shouldn’t bank on making a fast buck from his clients name, revealing that it was in fact Sol himself who started the false rumours about his homosexuality to ‘make himself appear more interesting.’ (The Daily Sport)
After Kieran Gibb’s injury playing for the England Under 21 team Arsene Wenger is set to RECALL PHILLIPE SENDEROS to the Arsenal first team with Vermaelen switching to his preffered left back to accomodate him. Wenger has also confirmed it is now a fully fledged injury crisis. (Various)
Chelsea are set to celebrate the lifting of their transfer ban by snaffling up the first thing they see, which in their case is Sergio Aguero, whom Abramovich has been leering at for some time now, mouthing ‘come to daddy’ whilst seductively wafting £40 million in Athletico Madrids general direction. (The Telegraph)
Tottenham and Manchester United are set to fight it out for the signature of Plymouth’s centre back sensation Jamie Richards. Tough choice. (The Star)

Liverpool will have to axe four stars from their wage bill this January to keep the club afloat. Top of the list are Rieira, Babel, Skertl and anyone else who isn’t Steven Gerrard or Torres. (The Daily Mail)
West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that he is not returning to football following his gap year abroad. The burly striker is said to have greatly enjoyed his time traipsing around China, Bali and Thailand and was considering teaching English in Japan next. ‘We always knew he’d never come back’ – said a resigned Gianfranco Zola. (The Daily Mail)
And finally Nicholas Anelka‘s autobiography ‘It’s Not Me. It’s Everyone Else‘ finally moved to the top of the book charts this week as it was revealed that Roman Abramovich had purchased 14,000 copies of the book to boast his players fragile self-esteem. However Abromovich’s PR team have stringently denied that it is only Roman’s money keeping the weighty tomb at the top of the charts, telling press that ‘it would be just as high without Roman spending that amount of money – honest.’ (The Guardian)