Category Archives: Portsmouth

Avram Grant Confirmed For Suicide Mission

Avram Grant - Clinically dead.

Portsmouth chief executive Peter Storie today confirmed the totally non-shocking-news-that-nobody-saw-coming-a-mile-off that Portsmouth’s director of football Avram Grant will take over as manager from Paul Hart – effective immediately.

Cunning Storie told flabagasterd news hounds:-

“Yes it is true that Avram is the new gaffer – I know it’s hard to believe but we’ve been intending to make him manager ever since he joined us last month as “director of football” but y’know, we’d been waiting for his pesky work permit to clear and for the opportune moment to  put Paul out of his misery ….. Which was this Tuesday when he was doing his shoe laces up and looking forlorn. BAM! That’s all she wrote.”


The Pompey board are delighted to be able to bring in a manager with such a proven track record, having previously been director of football at Portsmouth in 2007 before joining Chelsea and eventually replacing Jose Mourinho as manager.

“He’s done it all,” explained Storie on the club’s official website as he dislodged the knife from between Paul Hart’s shoulder blades and muffled his last screams with a pillow, “he was one Terry howler away from winning the Champions League for God’s sake! Admittedly Frank Lampard has more skill in his big toe than Michael Brown and that the useless trollop Younnes Kabol isn’t fit to lick the mud from John Terry’s boots but I’m sure he’ll rescue us. If not we’ll arbitrarily sack him and promote some poor stodge to man the sinking ship – it’s our way.”

Grant will be in the dug out this Saturday for the visit of Manchester United.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.


Paul Hart Seeks Exorcist to Ward Off ‘Spectre of Death’


Beleaguered Pompey manager Paul Hart took the extraordinary steps this week of advertising in local press for ‘exorcists, shaman and/or powerful magi’ to banish daemons haunting Fratton Park. The rumour circulating the coastal club is that GHOULISH former owner Milan Mladenovic has CURSED the pitch itself as well as the stands, board room AND the Eastleigh training ground.

Unconfirmed reports have reached The Crab that prior to his departure Mladenovic, of Romany descent, had desecrated the boardroom in an UNHOLY ritual designed to ruin the club.

Something has been wrong with this club all summer,” said Pompey press officer Alex Sims, “first there was the disappearance of prominent first team members, like Glen Johnson and Peter Crouch, they just seemingly disappeared over night. However we thought we’d be okay, that we’d have the quality to persevere and survive, but when Bobby Zamora scored that goal against us we knew we were truly cursed!

Despite these omens the club didn’t spring into action until manager Paul Hart started seeing apparitions within the hallowed halls of Fratton Park – with the Pompey manager claiming that whilst Kevin Prince-Boateng was inking his contract in a £4m deal he saw Death sitting in the corner of the boardroom with his head head in his hands ‘groaning lightly and occasionally tutting.

This was followed a week later when, after the sale of Niko Kranjcar for £2m, Paul Hart allegedly witnessed Death in the board room repeatedly HEAD BUTTING the board table.

Paul Hart has asked the spectre to depart the club, demanding in the name of God that it should ‘leave this place immediately!‘ However the ever present blight has been spotted at most home games this season, shaking it’s head at proceedings and pointing it’s long, boney finger ominously at Paul Hart.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.