Category Archives: John Terry

John Terry To Be Literally Grafted With Three Lions


John Terry has often been touted as the ‘lion-heart’ beating furiously at the centre of the England teams feral core – but it appears the constant barrage of Lion-esque eulogising has had an unanticipated effect. Clearly no longer satisfied with having three Lions on his shirt it appears brave Terry 29, has opted for a controversial ‘gene-splicing’ procedure at a private London clinic to merge his unique genetic make-up with that of THREE LIONS.

With the 2010 World Cup rapidly approaching, fearless Terry appears to have sought out alternative measures to not only improve his on-field performance but also enhance his patriotic credentials. Craig Muff, the visionary doctor who previously succeeded in grafting Nigel Winterburn with a bush baby, will perform the controversial operation next Thursday. He explained:-

“My fellow doctors and I have sat brave John down and attempted to explain that splicing his valiant, fearless DNA with 3 assorted Lions will achieve the same effect as doing it with a single Lion. However, John was a very clear in what he wanted. And is very rich. So, in keeping with the patients wishes, we’re going ahead with three lions.”

The initial warning signs of heroic Terry’s increasing lion-fixation were subtle but there for all to see at a Chelsea press conference in June this year; Terry refused to answer any questions from assembled hacks unless addressed as ‘Mr. Lion’ or ‘Your Highness.

Terry’s worrying but very brave spiral into Lion-obsession continued after he was cautioned for verbally chastising a group of American tourists at London Zoo in September after they dubbed Simba, the zoo’s resident lioness, a “jerk-off Lion”.

More to follow…

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Obviously.


Carlo Ancelotti Condemns ‘Fat Girl Rodeo’


Kalou arrives at Mayfair club.

Chelsea Manager Carlo Ancelotti is said to incensed over the adverse media attention surrounding his Chelsea players after they threw a no expense spared 24th Birthday party for forward Salomon Kalou at the exclusive ‘Mayfair’ nightclub in London.

A statement issued by Chelsea read: “Further to media reports that have appeared alleging that Chelsea players attending Salomon Kalou’s birthday party on Wednesday night spent £120,000 on drinks, the club and the players totally deny the facts and implications of these reports.”

“We are consulting our lawyers on behalf of Chelsea and the players and it is guaranteed that formal complaints will follow against those media outlets which published these false claims.”

However it is said that the Chelsea manager is more concerned about the conduct of his players inside the club rather than the astronomical bar bill after reports reached the press that team captain John Terry had won a game of ‘fat girl rodeo.’

“It was pretty childish,” said one eye witness, “Didier Drogba was totally inebriated, falling over even more than normal and told everyone that it was ‘fat girl rodeo time.’ When we realised what that entailed we were horrified.”

“It started off tamely enough,” said another eye witness, “Frank Lampard snogged a swamp donkey with a bit of muffin top, we’ve all done it, and then Alex responded by pulling her mate, who was a tad bulkier. You know, had let herself go. Things went suddenly down hill when John Terry got involved. He doesn’t like to lose at anything. So he arrows straight for the largest heifer, a lass who has strayed from the herd that the guys had nicknamed ‘Andy Reid’s sister’ and he just snogged her. BAM! A true leader.”

And how big was the lady in question?

“She looked like she’d eaten Vanesa Feltz.” Said one eye witness, Jodie from Essex.

“And then things started getting really out of control. Drogba declared Terry the winner and said it was time for him to ‘rodeo.’ Some of the other guys warned him it was too dangerous but Terry, calm as you like, just walked back over to the girl and held her gently by the wrists before announcing ‘congratulations, you’ve just won fat girl rodeo.’ ”

“It got uglier than Martin Keown,” Said Australian barman Mikey Fletcher, “Terry made the mistake of smirking after he said it and she started flailing absolutely everywhere and flinging him around like a rag doll. But fair play to Terry, he just smiled and held on for dear life whilst shouting ‘Ride the wave! Whooooooo!’ We let him ride her for two minutes before we had to chloroform her, it was getting cruel.”

Chelsea and Mayfair nightclub have strenuously denied this story.

“We have a policy of not chloroforming fat girls,” said a spokesman for the Mayfair club.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.