The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

  • Manchester Lite manager Mark Hughes is set to swoop for poor man’s David Beckham, David Bentley, and is ready to offer £8 million to Tottenham for the privilege. Which represents only a loss of £8 million on the £16 million they paid Blackburn for the preening winger. Which isn’t bad for Spurs. One day they’ll learn. Expect to see Bentley showboating on the Manchester Lite wing in the near future and whipping in crosses for a clearly offside Adebayor. (The Mirror)
  • And whilst Manchester Lite are at it they’ll also overload on holding midfielders for the sheer sake of it – either that or they’re planning on forming the most fearsome boy band of all time, with The Mirror stating they’re ‘hoping’ to bring in Gennaro Gattuso from AC Milan to keep Barry, De Jong and Kompany on their toes. (The Mirror)
  • Ladbrokes, still flush with success after the naming of Wayne Rooney’s first child, have announced they are now taking bets on who will be the first openly gay Premier League footballer. However David Hampton, Sol Campbell‘s agent, has warned that punters shouldn’t bank on making a fast buck from his clients name, revealing that it was in fact Sol himself who started the false rumours about his homosexuality to ‘make himself appear more interesting.’ (The Daily Sport)
  • After Kieran Gibb’s injury playing for the England Under 21 team Arsene Wenger is set to RECALL PHILLIPE SENDEROS to the Arsenal first team with Vermaelen switching to his preffered left back to accomodate him. Wenger has also confirmed it is now a fully fledged injury crisis. (Various)
  • Chelsea are set to celebrate the lifting of their transfer ban by snaffling up the first thing they see, which in their case is Sergio Aguero, whom Abramovich has been leering at for some time now, mouthing ‘come to daddy’ whilst seductively wafting £40 million in Athletico Madrids general direction. (The Telegraph)
  • Tottenham and Manchester United are set to fight it out for the signature of Plymouth’s centre back sensation Jamie Richards. Tough choice. (The Star)
  • Liverpool will have to axe four stars from their wage bill this January to keep the club afloat. Top of the list are Rieira, Babel, Skertl and anyone else who isn’t Steven Gerrard or Torres. (The Daily Mail)
  • West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that he is not returning to football following his gap year abroad. The burly striker is said to have greatly enjoyed his time traipsing around China, Bali and Thailand and was considering teaching English in Japan next. ‘We always knew he’d never come back’ – said a resigned Gianfranco Zola. (The Daily Mail)
  • And finally Nicholas Anelka‘s autobiography ‘It’s Not Me. It’s Everyone Else‘ finally moved to the top of the book charts this week as it was revealed that Roman Abramovich had purchased 14,000 copies of the book to boast his players fragile self-esteem. However Abromovich’s PR team have stringently denied that it is only Roman’s money keeping the weighty tomb at the top of the charts, telling press that ‘it would be just as high without Roman spending that amount of money – honest.’ (The Guardian)

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

John Terry To Be Literally Grafted With Three Lions

"Rarrrrrr"

John Terry has often been touted as the ‘lion-heart’ beating furiously at the centre of the England teams feral core – but it appears the constant barrage of Lion-esque eulogising has had an unanticipated effect. Clearly no longer satisfied with having three Lions on his shirt it appears brave Terry 29, has opted for a controversial ‘gene-splicing’ procedure at a private London clinic to merge his unique genetic make-up with that of THREE LIONS.

With the 2010 World Cup rapidly approaching, fearless Terry appears to have sought out alternative measures to not only improve his on-field performance but also enhance his patriotic credentials. Craig Muff, the visionary doctor who previously succeeded in grafting Nigel Winterburn with a bush baby, will perform the controversial operation next Thursday. He explained:-

“My fellow doctors and I have sat brave John down and attempted to explain that splicing his valiant, fearless DNA with 3 assorted Lions will achieve the same effect as doing it with a single Lion. However, John was a very clear in what he wanted. And is very rich. So, in keeping with the patients wishes, we’re going ahead with three lions.”

The initial warning signs of heroic Terry’s increasing lion-fixation were subtle but there for all to see at a Chelsea press conference in June this year; Terry refused to answer any questions from assembled hacks unless addressed as ‘Mr. Lion’ or ‘Your Highness.

Terry’s worrying but very brave spiral into Lion-obsession continued after he was cautioned for verbally chastising a group of American tourists at London Zoo in September after they dubbed Simba, the zoo’s resident lioness, a “jerk-off Lion”.

More to follow…

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Obviously.

Phil Brown Sues Wachowski Brothers Over Neo ‘Likeness’

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"Hello? I need an operator!"

Hull chairmen Adam Pearson has expressed concern over manager Phil Brown’s behaviour after the eccentric Tiger’s boss confirmed via his personal website that he had started legal proceedings against Warner Brothers Entertainment and Matrix creators Andy and Larry Wachowski over his striking similarity to fictional post apocalyptic hero Neo.

Brown, ignoring anachronistic flaws in his accusation, claims that there are many parallels between the popular Matrix franchise and his Premier League career, as the man himself puts it:-

“A young, sexy, charismatic stud with a disregard for The Man and the powers that be arrives from a desolate wasteland to set peoples minds free and enlighten the masses. The only thing standing in his way is the vacant drones programmed to stop him and a bunch of c**ts in black. My life or The Matrix? It’s hard to tell sometimes pet. I’m not saying the Wachowski lads did it intentionally like, but sometimes people just get transfixed with me. Did y’know I’ve got three proper fit stalkers?”

This isn’t the first time that the tangoed tactician has made audacious and ridiculous claims. Earlier this summer he laughably claimed Hull would be in European competitions “in the near future” (here), that Michael Owen was close to signing for his struggling team (here) and that Rafa Benitez had repeatedly tried to brush against him on the touchline “in a vivid hope some of me mojo would rub off on him – saddo.”

It is alleged that things have gotten so embarrassing that Pearson has banned Brown from giving post match interviews which has incensed Brown, who has told friends “it’s just like the Diana cover up – but goes higher.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

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  • Liverpool are to make a loan move for Tottenham’s underused Russian striker Roman Pavlyuchenko. Although why Spurs would save their rivals from David Ngog is anyones guess. (The Mirror)
  • Alternatively Liverpool could be splashing £20 million on West Ham’s Carlton Cole. With the England striker said to be keen to raise his England profile ahead of the World Cup and to get a guaranteed pay check each week. (The Sun)
  • Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger is poised to pick up another diamond in the rough with the signing of  no-nonsense, tough tackling 21-year-old midfield enforcer Hitpreet Gandhi, great-grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. He should be joining the Gunners in a £500,000 deal. (Daily Sport)
  • Colleen Rooney will be unveiled today as the new face of Mothercare following the birth of first child Kai. Rooney’s wife was said to be delighted to have inked the deal with the company as this was the next logical step in her career after she’d ‘milked that girl of the people bullshit till it was a lifeless, dried up husk.‘ Expect to see young Kai flaunted around in OK magazine sometime in the near future and held aloft like she is The One Ring. (various)
  • Everton are leading the pack in pursuit of Benfica’s Javier Garcia. With the defensive midfielder set to cost anywhere between £15-£200 million.
  • Rumours persist in The Sun that Steven Gerrard is ready to call time on his Liverpool playing days to concentrate on his international career, The Mail is even suggesting that he has hired Sol Campbell’s lawyer Damien Bishop in a hope he can ‘do a Notts County‘ because the only thing he’s won recently was his court case.(Sun and Daily Mail)
  • Alex Ferguson has total faith in his playing squad despite being linked to Bolton’s Gary Cahill and Stoke’s Ryan Shawcross, signalling the end of Rio Ferdinands Manchester United days, and a move for Bordeaux striker Marouane Chamakh as Rooney can’t carry the whole team.
  • John Terry was dealt a blow yesterday (no puns about his father please) when various tabloids rounded on him and his comments about how foreign players have a ‘propensity to dive.’ Terry has denied he is a racist saying he ‘treats everyone like they’re white.’ (The Telegraph)
  • And finally The Mirror is reporting that Newcastle supremo Mike Ashley is contemplating transfer listing 10 of the clubs 33 points that they’ve won this season, stating they were ‘surplus to requirements.’ He is also allegedly willing to sell his mother for a fistful of used £5 notes. (The Mirror)

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Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Robbie Savage Poses as Woman For Cheaper Car Insurance

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Disgraced Derby County midfielder Robbie Savage today confessed that the credit crunch and high earners tax had hit the world of footballers where it mattered most. In the pocket.

The hirsute footballer finally laid bare the extent of his own financial problems by admitting he had posed as a woman to gain cheaper car insurance for his fleet of high-powered motor vehicles. However this was only the beginning of Savage’s problems as he revealed that he began to find the rouse to be both ’empowering’ and ‘exhilirating’ and had filled the adrenaline rush missing in his life since joining the Championship strugglers.

Robbie’s problems began spiralling out of control and only ceased when he was arrested by Morrison’s store detectives last Thursday whilst attempting to smuggle a black forest gateaux under his floral dress.

“It started off small,” explained the ashamed star on Cardiff Radio, “at first it was some lip stick here, some eye liner from Boots there. Then before you knew it I couldn’t stop. I felt invincible and sexy all at the same time. I didn’t even need half the stuff….. it was just the buzz.”

Robbie Savage is due at Derby Magistrates Court on 18th November.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Vinnie Jones Cast as Gazza in Vinnie Jones Film Biopic

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Newline Cinema performed a dramatic U-turn today, confirming sensational news that Vinnie Jones has been cast in the film adaptation of his best selling autobiography ‘Vinnie’ as footballer Paul Gasgoigne.

Fans had feared that there would be no place for Vinnie Jones in the film biopic, however studio chiefs, anxious to avoid any backlash from British cinema goers, have buckled to pressure and cast the British hardman in a cameo role as England maestro Gazza.

The film, directed by Love Actually’s Richard Curtis and starring Star Trek’s Chris Pine as the eponymous Vinnie, is currently being filmed in Budapest and slated for a summer 2010 release.

The Director told Total Film that he was delighted that Vinnie Jones had joined the cast and that Jones would also be acting as a ‘creative consultant’ on the project, explaining that the star’s presence would prove to be an asset to the production.

“This really is the best of both worlds,” enthused Curtis, “we want this picture to be as authentic as possible and having Vinnie there on set, however briefly, is the best way to ensure we stay true to the source material. It’s a shame Vinnie isn’t as young as he was as he’d have been perfect in the lead role, however once Chris had read for us we instantly knew we had our man. Vinnie’s audition was alright, but we didn’t feel he ‘got’ the role and could play himself. Chris however is exceptional and really captured what Vinnie is about, his charisma, his magnetism… It was almost like Vinnie was in the room! When Vinnie Jones sees the final cut he’ll be flabagastered by how much more Chris Pine is like him than he is himself.”

Jones is said to be disappointed to have failed in the audition to portray himself, but is just happy to be involved in the project ‘in some small way‘ and that his tea making skills will be ‘inspirational.’

The movie, charting Jones’s rise from hod carrier to FA Cup winner and described by one crew member as ‘A Star is Born meets absolute fackin’ nutters’, is due out next summer.

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Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Nick Griffin Demands That 85% of the Premiership “Bogs Off Home”

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Odious cyclops Nick Griffin today used his controversial appearance on the BBC’s Question Time as a platform to suggest that “85% of the Premiership should fuck off to where they came. I’m not a racist…..” said the clear racist, “I just believe that unless you speak the Queen’s English and look like a member of Take That you should bog off to whatever backwater shit hole spewed you out so you can die like a wounded, foreign looking dog.”

The mad, squinty eyed goose stepper then explained, whilst smiling unconvincing to the audience like an estate agent, a racist estate agent no less:

“I believe the Premiership should belong to Britain’s indigenous footballer, good old-fashioned players like Robbie Mustoe, Brett Ormerod and Andy Linighan. Oh those were the days! I can’t believe we’ve let our beautiful white game be ruined by the likes of Thierry Henry, Didier Drogba, Fastino Asprilia and that greasy wop Christiano Ronaldo. Poor old Lee Bowyer hardly gets a game anymore! Did my Father die in a war so people could watch the world’s elite contaminate our footy pitches? I think not.”

Fortunately it appears that the game’s elite has rallied against Mr Griffin’s lunacy. Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson tweeted shortly after the show that “If Mr Griffin is feeling nostalgic for the good old days’ he can fook off to League Two and watch two teams packed full of trusty Brits punting hopeful long balls to each other on a water logged pitch – Darren says they’ve always spare tickets.”

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger also dismissed Mr Griffin’s outburst stating that “as Theo Walcott and Kieran Gibbs don’t pass his Englishness/whiteness test that would leave me with just Jack Wilshire for Sunday’s game against West Ham. Would Mr Griffin want to watch that? Whilst it’d appease his racist sensibilities it’d also be the dullest draw he’s ever seen.”

Bizarrely Crab Football could only find one Premiership footballer who shared any of Mr Griffin’s sentiments…. El Hadj Diouf, who had some choice words for team mates David Dunn, Paul Robinson and Vincenzo Grella.

“These white boys are lazy,” said Diouf whilst skillfully defecating on a ball boy.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.