Category Archives: Ashley Cole

Arsene Wenger Delighted With ‘Win’ Over Chelsea

"It's like Phillipe Sendaros never left."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today condemned by his own supporters for failing to admit that Arsenal side had lost 3-0 to Chelsea, celebrating Arsenal’s ‘4-0 win’ over their arch rivals by consuming Didier Drogba’s Man of the Match campagne and giving what can only be described as an ‘interesting’ post match interview.

Arsene Wenger who, despite being French, is unable to accept defeat. Told the assembled press:

“Aha! We really showed them today! Did you see Walcott? Carved. Them. To. Pieces. I knew he’d turn into a match winner eventually. It just takes time baby. Yeahhhhhh. And what can you say about Robin Van Persie’s 40 yard screamer? He really has it all. Right foot. Left foot. I really can pick them. I know everything! What number are you thinking of? Three. Three points to Arsenal yes siree.”

A stunned Garth Crooks repeatedly asked Wenger if he was aware of that his team were easily beaten 3-0 by Carlo Ancelotti’s dominant Blues only for the impish Arsenal manager to put him in a headlock and coerce him into agreeing with his bizarre alternative version of events where Arsenal are six points clear at the top of the league, Tottenham have been relegated for match fixing and Ashely Cole has been gored to death by wild boar in a freak hiking accident.

“Some people said I couldn’t build a team for pre pubescent wonder kids, some people said I needed big money signings to shore up the squad, but I showed them! How does it feel Ashley! HOW DOES IT FEEL!” Raged Wenger, before being dragged away by Pat Rice.

Arsenal FC later re-released a pre prepared statement from Wenger identical to previous statements made after losses to Manchester United, Manchester Lite and Sunderland and made reference to ‘giving his team time,’ asked fans to ‘judge me at the end of the season‘ and warned naysayers that he ‘would never learn surrender.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.


Ashley and Cheryl Plot World Domination Despite Rumours of ‘Shortness’

Doesn't Ashley look a little short here?

Doesn't Ashley look a little short here?

Ashley Cole’s wife Cheryl Cole has revealed to this months OK magazine that she wants Girls Aloud to crack America in the future.

“It’s a big, big challenge and means alot to us. We’ve conquered most of Europe but breaking into America would be something else altogether.”

It is believed that ambitious Cheryl plans to win over the American public before eventually turning her hand to acting. She has already screen tested for the role of scrubber-turned-good Eliza Doolittle for Universal Picture’s forthcoming remake of ‘My Fair Lady’ whilst multi talented Ashley has lent his golden touch to new British gangster film Dead Man Running, which he’s produced with Rio Ferdinand.

Rumours are rife that Ashley and Cheryl are so committed to launching brand Cole Stateside that they are close to signing with one of Tinsel Town’s most influential talent agencies, Sylvia Francis & Associates Talent Agency (SFA).  A source for the agency has told The Crab:

“Cheryl and Cole are two very marketable celebrities who alone would have a fighting chance of breaking America – however together they are the dream ticket. Some people laugh but they could be the new Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise – Cheryl is beautiful, glamorous and feisty whilst Ashley is much like a British Tom, good looking, famous the world over….. however unfortunately quite ‘short’.”

Ashley has been dogged by rumours about his shortness over the years – something that has become a prickly subject for the Chelsea left back – to the point where he will no longer answer questions on the subject in interviews, refusing to confirm whether he is short or not, or even if he is ‘a little short.’

His team mates haven’t helped the rumours swirling around Ashley, with Frank Lampard recalling in FHM magazine an occasion when he and Cole were clubbing with team mates. Frank said in the publication that ‘when I looked over to the dance floor I could make Ashley out immediately – mainly because of his resplendent pink vinyl shirt, anyway I realised as he did the Macarena that he did look , y’know, really short. Which is cool. I’m open minded..’

Ashley’s agent Marcus Tick though has been quick to poor cold water over these claims:

‘We stringently deny any rumours that my client is short. I mean he’s married to Cheryl Cole isn’t he? Do you think she’d marry someone who was a right short arse? We also deny that for the the first few months he dated Cheryl he walked on tip toes the whole time. That is a simply ridiculous accusation. Ashley is secure in the knowledge that he is a normal tall man, so secure in fact that if anyone suggests otherwise we’ll just laugh it off….. and then sue them.’

However The Crab has asked leading marketing consultants whether being short is really that big a deal. Adele Meeker of Global Synergy explained to us:

‘It’s safe to say that short girls sell products. However sadly lots of men still feel threatened by short men. That can kill a product. It’s just that simple.’

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. For the record we reckon Ashley is well tall. Almost a giant.