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Hello all, Just a quick note to tell you to shift arse to our new, beautiful, home; to enter the best World Cup Competition on the flippin’ interweb. A bold claim. But one we can back up.


Announcement! New Website is Go!

This way ladies and gentlemen

I know Crab Football teased you all with a new website many moons ago, in fact, like a lusty lady of the night I believe we hitched up our skirt some two months ago and taunted your bloodshot eyes with a tantalisingly beautiful logo of a crab against a football badge, an image seemingly crafted by angels versed with photoshop and so dazzling that it surely could not have belonged to this website……

You were right.

It belonged to our new flagship website which we predicted would set sail on the 1st of October. Which was then put back to the 7th October. And then the 14th October. And then we just took the post down because it got plain silly.

However, giddy almost like a school girl we’re pleased to, finally, announce the new site is go – so head on over to:

See you there!

The Crab.

The Crab’s Weekend Roundup – 22nd November 2009

This is not a joke.

The rollercoaster Premier League season shows no signs of slowing down as this weekend’s fixtures produced more goals than a man with Parkinson’s could shake a stick at – with Tottenham‘s astonishing 9 – 1 over Wigan catching the eye. Tottenham, who had cast doubts on their push for a top four place with a string of frankly mediocre performances, bulldozed Wigan by a convincing 8 goal margin that could have been much more. Jermaine Defoe became only the third Premiership player to score five in a match but the plaudits must be shared with Aaron Lennon who put in the sort of performance that would have even made Christiano Ronaldo decorate his underpants in excitement.

Anything is possible now. Christ they could even win a trophy of worth.

Tottenham’s victory will be all the more sweet for the fact the Gunners lost 1 – 0 to Sunderland at the Stadium of Light to end their 13 game unbeaten streak. Darren Bent, recognising that the Arsenal team contained no Brazilians, actually played rather well, snatching the only goal of a tight game.

David Dunn was one of the few bright lights in a tepid game at Bolton, scoring a delightful opener for Blackburn before Samuel Ricketts sealed Bolton’s fourth straight defeat with a needless own goal – destined for a dreary Nick Hancock bloopers DVD that you get for Christmas from an Aunt who has never heard of youtube.

Bless her.

Stoke beat resurgent Portsmouth 1-0 at the Britannia Stadium despite the lowly visitors showing enough quality to win the game and fluffing a host of chances, including a piss weak first half spot kick from Kevin Prince Boateng, awarded after Rory Delap nearly decapitated Dindane with a Jean Claude Van Damme-esque clearance. Ricardo Fuller stole the three points with a classy second half finish.

Manchester United glided past an ineffectual Everton, thanks in no small part to Darren Fletcher, who appears to have died in the summer and been cunningly replaced by an all action wonder midfielder capable of pulling amazing goals out of kilt at the drop of a hat. His first half volley set his team on the road to a comfortable 3-0 win.

Anything Manchester United can do this year, Chelsea can do one better, although to be fair it wasn’t difficult as Wolves offered less resistance at Stamford Bridge than an ice skating rink covered in grease. Chelsea won 4-0 and showed no ill effects from the international break with Michael Essien bagging two classy goals to boot. He’ll be sorely missed during the African Nations Cup.

Hull City managed to squeeze their yearly quota of entertainment into a single match at the KC Stadium. Drawing 3-3 with a fragile West Ham team that always looks 10 minutes from total capitulation. A bullish Phil Brown optimistically claimed that his team had ‘turned a corner’ in recent weeks and would soon be ‘challenging for honours.’

Actually he didn’t say that. But he was probably thinking it.

Elsewhere Manchester Lite drew 2-2 with  Liverpool to record their sixth successive Premier League draw. Under pressure boss Mark Hughes attempted to put some gloss on the result by claiming that they had restricted Liverpools influential players from having an impact on the game” which wasn’t difficult since most of them were lying prone on the treatment table and dreaming of a January transfer. Mark Hughes’s will be hoping for 3 points against Hull next week or he will set a new record for successive draws in the Premier League and be the proud owner of a P45.

And lastly Emile Heskey scored his annual goal for Aston Villa in a 1-1 draw with Burnley (Argentina and Germany will be literally shitting themselves next summer) whilst Orc faced Lee Bowyer rolled back the years scoring Birmingham‘s only goal against Fulham.

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

  • Manchester Lite manager Mark Hughes is set to swoop for poor man’s David Beckham, David Bentley, and is ready to offer £8 million to Tottenham for the privilege. Which represents only a loss of £8 million on the £16 million they paid Blackburn for the preening winger. Which isn’t bad for Spurs. One day they’ll learn. Expect to see Bentley showboating on the Manchester Lite wing in the near future and whipping in crosses for a clearly offside Adebayor. (The Mirror)
  • And whilst Manchester Lite are at it they’ll also overload on holding midfielders for the sheer sake of it – either that or they’re planning on forming the most fearsome boy band of all time, with The Mirror stating they’re ‘hoping’ to bring in Gennaro Gattuso from AC Milan to keep Barry, De Jong and Kompany on their toes. (The Mirror)
  • Ladbrokes, still flush with success after the naming of Wayne Rooney’s first child, have announced they are now taking bets on who will be the first openly gay Premier League footballer. However David Hampton, Sol Campbell‘s agent, has warned that punters shouldn’t bank on making a fast buck from his clients name, revealing that it was in fact Sol himself who started the false rumours about his homosexuality to ‘make himself appear more interesting.’ (The Daily Sport)
  • After Kieran Gibb’s injury playing for the England Under 21 team Arsene Wenger is set to RECALL PHILLIPE SENDEROS to the Arsenal first team with Vermaelen switching to his preffered left back to accomodate him. Wenger has also confirmed it is now a fully fledged injury crisis. (Various)
  • Chelsea are set to celebrate the lifting of their transfer ban by snaffling up the first thing they see, which in their case is Sergio Aguero, whom Abramovich has been leering at for some time now, mouthing ‘come to daddy’ whilst seductively wafting £40 million in Athletico Madrids general direction. (The Telegraph)
  • Tottenham and Manchester United are set to fight it out for the signature of Plymouth’s centre back sensation Jamie Richards. Tough choice. (The Star)
  • Liverpool will have to axe four stars from their wage bill this January to keep the club afloat. Top of the list are Rieira, Babel, Skertl and anyone else who isn’t Steven Gerrard or Torres. (The Daily Mail)
  • West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that he is not returning to football following his gap year abroad. The burly striker is said to have greatly enjoyed his time traipsing around China, Bali and Thailand and was considering teaching English in Japan next. ‘We always knew he’d never come back’ – said a resigned Gianfranco Zola. (The Daily Mail)
  • And finally Nicholas Anelka‘s autobiography ‘It’s Not Me. It’s Everyone Else‘ finally moved to the top of the book charts this week as it was revealed that Roman Abramovich had purchased 14,000 copies of the book to boast his players fragile self-esteem. However Abromovich’s PR team have stringently denied that it is only Roman’s money keeping the weighty tomb at the top of the charts, telling press that ‘it would be just as high without Roman spending that amount of money – honest.’ (The Guardian)

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Nick Griffin Demands That 85% of the Premiership “Bogs Off Home”


Odious cyclops Nick Griffin today used his controversial appearance on the BBC’s Question Time as a platform to suggest that “85% of the Premiership should fuck off to where they came. I’m not a racist…..” said the clear racist, “I just believe that unless you speak the Queen’s English and look like a member of Take That you should bog off to whatever backwater shit hole spewed you out so you can die like a wounded, foreign looking dog.”

The mad, squinty eyed goose stepper then explained, whilst smiling unconvincing to the audience like an estate agent, a racist estate agent no less:

“I believe the Premiership should belong to Britain’s indigenous footballer, good old-fashioned players like Robbie Mustoe, Brett Ormerod and Andy Linighan. Oh those were the days! I can’t believe we’ve let our beautiful white game be ruined by the likes of Thierry Henry, Didier Drogba, Fastino Asprilia and that greasy wop Christiano Ronaldo. Poor old Lee Bowyer hardly gets a game anymore! Did my Father die in a war so people could watch the world’s elite contaminate our footy pitches? I think not.”

Fortunately it appears that the game’s elite has rallied against Mr Griffin’s lunacy. Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson tweeted shortly after the show that “If Mr Griffin is feeling nostalgic for the good old days’ he can fook off to League Two and watch two teams packed full of trusty Brits punting hopeful long balls to each other on a water logged pitch – Darren says they’ve always spare tickets.”

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger also dismissed Mr Griffin’s outburst stating that “as Theo Walcott and Kieran Gibbs don’t pass his Englishness/whiteness test that would leave me with just Jack Wilshire for Sunday’s game against West Ham. Would Mr Griffin want to watch that? Whilst it’d appease his racist sensibilities it’d also be the dullest draw he’s ever seen.”

Bizarrely Crab Football could only find one Premiership footballer who shared any of Mr Griffin’s sentiments…. El Hadj Diouf, who had some choice words for team mates David Dunn, Paul Robinson and Vincenzo Grella.

“These white boys are lazy,” said Diouf whilst skillfully defecating on a ball boy.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Premier League Footballers Secretly Pay Tribute To Stephen Gately


Premier League Superstars today paid tribute to Boyzone singer Stephen Gately after it was shockingly revealed that the popular entertainer had died suddenly aged only 33. The late singer, one of Britain’s first openly gay pop stars who came out of the closet  in 1999,  tragically passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning whilst on holiday in Majorca.

“It’s an absolute tragedy,” said one un-named Premiership footballer (it’s the one you are thinking about right now, yeah that one) “I was fortunate to have met Stephen twice at cancer benefits and found him to be the most charming guy. I was so inspired by his courage that I very nearly came out myself – however my agent convinced me it’d ruin my career so I instead I embarked on a series of high profile dates with Page 3 models, I live a lie.”

Other footballers offered their condolences too but only under the guise of total anonymity. One visionary Premiership midfielder, adored by girls the length and breath of the country for his razor sharp cheek bones and smooth skin, y’know the one who is a little too handsome to be straight, yeah him, told Crab Football that:-

“I’ve played in alot of high pressure games but I’ve never been able to admit to myself or the fans that I’m gay, mainly because I’m worried of the backlash but also because my surname unfortunately rhymes with alot of rude words – terrace chants can be so so cruel. Maybe I’ll do it next week. Ohhhhhhhhhh Desperate Housewives!”

In fact Crab Football bizarrely couldn’t find any openly gay footballers to contribute to this piece, however Wayne Rooney told us to speak to Darren Fletcher who ‘likes Twilight an’ shit.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Premiership Literacy Test: Results “Dissapointing”

Leaked Exam Paper

Leaked Exam Paper

PLANS to introduce compulsory written and spoken English tests for all U.K born Premier League footballers had to be SCRAPPED last week as it emerged 96% of all footballers asked to take part had FAILED the exam.

Qualifying footballers were sent letters in May requesting their presence at a TOP-SECRET location to complete the simple assessment. Our Premier League sources claim over HALF of recipients did not even attend the exam as they were unable to comprehend the content of the letter – with one unnamed England international reduced to confused tears when confronted with the word ‘mandatory’.

The controversial test was introduced in June after the BBC, Sky and the late Setanta Sports received a record number of complaints concerning the content of post-match interviews. Viewers reached breaking point following England’s victory over bi-lingual heavyweights Andorra when, in response to his view on scoring, Frank Lampard produced the following crime against verbal communication:

“Obviously I feel great obviously yeah errrr, at the end of the day y’know, like I said before, yeah errrrrrrr obviously it’s great to score but at the end of day it’s about the team. Like I said before, the gaffers been great from day one and just errrrrr told us to go out there and enjoy ourselves and at the end of the day he got a great response out of the boys y’know, obviously…..errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

By the end of the interview Lampard had discharged 215 “Y’knows” whilst media analysts are STILL counting the number of “At the end of the days” deployed. Lampard’s shocking monologue was later linked to 2 suicides and an unprecedented outbreak of nationwide dreariness.

The entire examination process made such a mockery of the English language that the Premier League has since attempted a hasty cover-up, but Crab Football can EXCLUSIVELY reveal some of the ‘answers’ provided by the players that were able to attend:

* Spurs ace Jermaine JENAS spelt his name with the number SIX

* HULL veteran Ian ASHBEE answered every question with the response “Dance on my c*ck” before covering his paper with crudely rendered phallus

* Chelsea loan-star Scott SINCLAIR cryptically set his exam on FIRE

With its brave attempt to encourage greater articulacy in tatters, the Premier League has instead decided to RE-DUB all post-match interviews with prepared speeches read by well-spoken national treasures including: Nigel HAVERS, Roger MOORE and Terrence STAMP.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.