Category Archives: Arsenal

Arsene Wenger Delighted With ‘Win’ Over Chelsea

"It's like Phillipe Sendaros never left."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today condemned by his own supporters for failing to admit that Arsenal side had lost 3-0 to Chelsea, celebrating Arsenal’s ‘4-0 win’ over their arch rivals by consuming Didier Drogba’s Man of the Match campagne and giving what can only be described as an ‘interesting’ post match interview.

Arsene Wenger who, despite being French, is unable to accept defeat. Told the assembled press:

“Aha! We really showed them today! Did you see Walcott? Carved. Them. To. Pieces. I knew he’d turn into a match winner eventually. It just takes time baby. Yeahhhhhh. And what can you say about Robin Van Persie’s 40 yard screamer? He really has it all. Right foot. Left foot. I really can pick them. I know everything! What number are you thinking of? Three. Three points to Arsenal yes siree.”

A stunned Garth Crooks repeatedly asked Wenger if he was aware of that his team were easily beaten 3-0 by Carlo Ancelotti’s dominant Blues only for the impish Arsenal manager to put him in a headlock and coerce him into agreeing with his bizarre alternative version of events where Arsenal are six points clear at the top of the league, Tottenham have been relegated for match fixing and Ashely Cole has been gored to death by wild boar in a freak hiking accident.

“Some people said I couldn’t build a team for pre pubescent wonder kids, some people said I needed big money signings to shore up the squad, but I showed them! How does it feel Ashley! HOW DOES IT FEEL!” Raged Wenger, before being dragged away by Pat Rice.

Arsenal FC later re-released a pre prepared statement from Wenger identical to previous statements made after losses to Manchester United, Manchester Lite and Sunderland and made reference to ‘giving his team time,’ asked fans to ‘judge me at the end of the season‘ and warned naysayers that he ‘would never learn surrender.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

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Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography – Wenger’s Betrayal

Anelka

Fantastical news has reached Crab Football that Nicolas Anelka’s debut memoir ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else’ has bombed horrendously in the monthly book charts, with one literary analyst even declaring it was even being outsold 10:1 by Katie Price’s new autobiography “Touch Me Where I Wee.”

So for those of you unwilling to fork out £12.99 on this weighty tome fear not. As Crab Football has secured a second excerpt from this incendiary read. Enjoy.

Part Deux:-

“The night after the Vieira incident I didn’t sleep a wink, my slumber was disturbed by a reoccurring nightmare where I was playing swing ball with Patrick Vieira and Claude Makelele  – it was horrendous – my face was the ball and the racquets were their meat mallets. My head was going left and right like a spectator at Wimbledon. My two brothers, Pierre and Jean Luc, instinctively could tell I was restless, mainly because they sleep at the foot of my bed.

‘What is troubling you brother?’ Enquired Pierre as I slipped into my silk dressing gown at 6am.

“I have come to a decision,” I said slowly, as this was a decision not to be taken lightly, “that we must leave Arsenal. Pack up the houses, we’re leaving.”

Both of my brothers were in shock, they couldn’t believe that I was seriously considering leaving everything behind me but they understood that Highbury, with one swing of Patrick’s mighty penis, had been transformed from a place of warmth and comfort to a theatre of nightmares.

I put on my gold track suit with matching baseball cap and left the house at 6:30am for the training ground, I knew Wenger would be there, no doubt scrutinizing the DVD of yesterday’s match or laboriously pouring through stats on the game.

If I was to confront him I would do it before the other players arrived. Man to man.

However despite my brave words when I arrived at Wenger’s door I nearly walked away. I won’t lie. The enormity of the situation was suddenly realised and I was racked with self-doubt, an emotion I was not familiar with, damn you Vieira! Look what you have done to me!

But as I stood there, fighting my indecision, I heard Arsene’s voice emanating from within his office.

“Are you going to stand there all day Nicolas?”

Arsene always knows.

When I entered the room Wenger was there, as I expected, going through his spreadsheets. He didn’t even look at me, just motioned to a seat opposite as if I was expected! If I was perplexed before entering the office I was now utterly thrown.

I searched for the words to broach the subject of the penis slapping incident but they would not come, suddenly in his presence I felt like a petulant school child before a head master. He just sat there reading his documents, waiting patiently.

After a few moments silence I just took my cap off to show Wenger. On my forehead was an angry welt the size of fist in the shape of a bell end.

I had a splitting headache.

“Whoaaaaa.” Said Wenger under his breath, finally putting his statistics to one side to observe Vieira’s handiwork. He scanned my head for another second before reaching for his intercom button, “Pat, can you come to my office immediately.”

Now I know what you are thinking and in my panicked state I jumped to the very same conclusion, why would Wenger call Patrick into his office? Was he here already? Had he been waiting for me? Could I escape out of the window? Could I use Wenger’s stapler as a rudimentary weapon to protect myself? If I could staple it to his inner thigh I may stand a chance… As I sat there trying not to curl one out and hatching a combat strategy it never occurred to me that Wenger had called for Pat Rice, our assistant manager.

When Pat walked in my relief was palpable.

“What can I do for you Arsene….. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT!”

Pat looked from my forehead to Wenger, from Wenger to my forehead, rubbed his eyes and looked again. He was incredulous.

“No way,” said Pat.

“Yes way,” said Arsene.

“I’ll get Lewin,” Pat replied, disappearing again. This was a good sign I thought. Not only was Pat Rice shocked by what he’d seen but had also suggested that Gary Lewin, our physio, was needed. A doctor would be good. I could after all be potentially brain damaged.

Now up until this point I had been determined to hand in my transfer request, to be rid of Arsenal and their bully boy tactics, but deep down inside I hoped Wenger would rectify the situation, would scold Vieira publically for his actions, maybe even fine him for his atrocious penile attack… Inside of me was a small voice hoping that something positive could be salvaged from this situation.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

Seconds later Pat returned with Gary Lewin but I could not detect any sympathy or concern on their faces. Both of them looked determined and focused.

“How do you want to play this Arsene?” asked Gary.

“Hmmmmmm,” replied the professor, “you two pin him down and I’ll take the photos. GO!”

What followed was the final nail in the coffin. One moment I was on the seat and the next Gary and Pat had me in a head lock. It took a moment for me to realise that Arsene had produced a polaroid camera out of the ether.

“Pin board! Pin board!” Chanted Pat and Gary as Arsene pinned the photos up above his desk. Howling like a hyena when he observed the photographic evidence of Vieira’s damage.

“What a legend!” Roared Wenger, high fiving his accomplices, “that lad is a monster!”

I eventually staggered out of Arsene’s office twenty minutes later with the sound of high fiving still ringing in my ears. My favourite track suit was ripped and my self esteem was in tatters. Not only had I been ritually humiliated by the man I trusted the most but they’d also given me an atomic wedgey. You know the one – when they put the elastic of your underpants over your ears. I was in a world of pain. And the less said about he tea bagging the better.

That was the last I ever saw of our London Colney training ground, I didn’t even go back to get the framed photos of myself from my locker. When I got home I was not stunned to find that a letter had been posted through my door addressed to me. Inside was a one way ticket to Madrid.

The coward wouldn’t even tell me to my face.

“What does this mean?” asked Pierre, concern etched on his face.

“That you’re flying luggage,” I said, slapping him once for his stupidity.

“Thank you Nicolas.”

So in the space of two horrific days, I, Nicolas Anelka, the greatest natural footballer of my generation, was cast from the doors of Highbury like a stray dog.  After everything I had given Arsenal and the committment I had shown I expected more. However this sorry episode had taught me a valuable lesson, that the only person I could trust was myself….

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Arsenal Self Destruct at Old Trafford

"Who else loves KFC?"

"Who else loves KFC?"

Manchester United came back from a half-time deficit to stun Arsenal at Old Trafford and record a win in a game packed with more controversy than a West End production of ‘Gary Glitter the Musical.’

Alex Ferguson is ecstatic,” said Alex Ferguson, who only talks in third person, “I mean some of the lads were cracking out there. Where do I even start? Ben Foster was great, Abou Diaby was magnificent, Rooney’s tumbling skills were Eduardo-esque and what can I say about Mike Dean? His preferential vision is second to none.

The first half was a pulsating encounter with both teams literally going for the jugular, attacking one another’s goals like they were playing on a perverse, giant seesaw. The game really came to life in the 39 minute when Arsenal’s Russian ninja Arshavin was denied the most clear cut penalty in the history of Premier League football.

Alex Ferguson laughed his tits off about that,” said the United supremo, flicking some dirt off his shoulders, “I mean, Fletcher takes his legs out from underneath him, pushes the ball away with a hand and then proceeds to dry hump the  poor little fella on the floor. I don’t think he could have done more to stop him short of producing a rusty screw driver from his back pocket and stabbing him repeatedly in the face. But the best bit was the look on Wenger’s face, when I caught his eye I shrugged sympathetically as if to say ‘bloody refs’ but when he looked away I was pissing myself.”

Arsenal weren’t moaning for long though as a minute later the Russian produced a cracking left foot drive to give the Gooners a first half lead. A lead that should have doubled early in the second half only for Ben Foster to pull off a stunning reaction save to deny Robin Van Persie from three yards.

With Berbatov and Owen warming the bench it was difficult to see where United’s goals would come from until Wayne Rooney crumbled under a Almunia challenge, Mike Dean checking with the linesman that Rooney was a United player before awarding the spot kick, which the ginger scrote duly scored.

Arsenal were still spitting blood over the incident when Van Persie hammered the United cross bar two minutes later but things were about to get much, much worse for Wenger’s team.

First Abou Diaby short circuited and scored one of the worst own goals I’ve seen in quite some time, heading home an impotent Ryan Giggs cross with no one close to him, meaning United had taken the lead without a shot on target from open play. Then Emmanuel Eboue decided to try and get Evra sent off with an embarrassing dive, earning himself a booking, and then lastly Arsenal were denied a last gasp equaliser in the 95 minute by the lines mans flag. A decision that pissed Wenger off to the extent he kicked a water bottle! A crime so horrid that pedantic Mike Dean, who suffers from attention deficit disorder – as in he needs to be the centre of attention at all times – sent Wenger to the stands. However Wenger, being the enfant terrible he is, decided instead to clamber atop the dug out  and stand resolutely in front of the jeering Manchester United fans like some mighty football deity who frowns upon what he is witnessing.

Arsenal Stave Off Administration For Another Year With 2-0 Win

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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger can breathe a big sigh of relief tonight after his penniless Arsenal team effectively put one foot into the group stages of the champions league with a win over Celtic at the imaginatively named Celtic Park.

The win was particularly important for Arsene as his players had been given strict instructions prior to the game to ‘strip the dressing room of anything of value‘ in the event they lost, with former plumber Robin Van Persie being directed to ‘nick the taps an’ all.’

Arsenal, who beat Everton at the weekend like a ginger step kid, found Celtic to be a far more challenging proposition than their Merseyside counterparts. The Gunners finding it nearly impossible to find their feet in a bruising first half as the majority of their players spent it either being dumped on their arse by their opposite numbers or looking plaintively at referee Massimo Busacca with sad, hopeful eyes.

It was only in the 43 minute that proceedings  were finally punctuated with something even vaguely resembling entertainment, with Arsenal defender William Gallas – whilst trying to duck a Cesc Fabregas shot – managing to deflect the ball into the Celtic goal for the opener.

The game improved a little in the second half as Celtic struggled to maintain their high pressure game, however it still needed a Stephen Caldwell own goal from Gael Clichy’s low cross to give Arsenal a vital second.

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger said after the game that he was ‘relieved’ that his players came through an ‘interesting battle’ before warning against complacency in the next game.

Celtic could totally score three at the Emirates,’ said the Professor, struggling to be sincere, ‘Samaras is a force to be reckoned with. Ohhhhhhhhh we’re not out of the woods yet. I won’t sleep a wink this week.’

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Wenger Slams Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography

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Arsene Wenger took time out of his busy pre match schedule to address the hyperbole surrounding the imminent release of Nicolas Anelka’s new autobiography “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.”

As reported earlier this week the Guardian have serialised excerpts of the book where Anelka claims he was hounded out of Arsenal by the bully boy tactics of Patrick Vieira and that he was assaulted in the Arsenal dressing room. An accusation which Wenger was keen to down play.

“There are elements of truth to the story,” stated Wenger, holding his hands up, “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him. I don’t think I can exaggerate it enough to be honest.”

So is there any merit to the accusation that Vieira hit Anelka with it after the Fulham game?

“Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat, “I mean, people don’t appreciate what a burden it was for the poor guy, we had to put a sign up in the showers saying Vieira couldn’t walk around naked. Which was pretty hard to enforce but was necessary. If something caught his attention he could turn suddenly and WHACK he’d clock something with it, break some furnishings or knock a dwarf out. That sort of thing. Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.”

So did Vieira intentionally strike Anelka? Or was Arsene evading the question to protect his former captain?

“Well let’s put it like this. I think if he intentionally struck Anelka round the face with it, and really followed through, then he wouldn’t be around to write an autobiography. If you catch my drift. Unless he wrote it in a Stephen Hawkins, one button at a time with his nose, sort  of way. So yeah it was an accident and Anelka should grow up. And that’s the last I’m saying on  Penis Gate.”

Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Jack Wilshire: reasonably good footballer

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You can can forgive Arsenal fans for getting carried away with Sunday’s 3-0 over Rangers, it’s almost like they’ve been starved of success for years. Not only did they collect their first first and last piece of silverware for the season in the form of the Emirates Cup, causing some fans to celebrate like it was 1999, but they also had the opportunity to drool over their best youth player since team captain Cesc Fabregas, 17 year old sensation Jack ‘I’m pretty handy me’ Wilshire.

In fact Mr Wilshire’s performance was so good on Sunday that an irritated Arsene Wenger was forced to tell those attending the post match press conference to “Calm the fuck down” and “Shut the hell up” as hacks and fans up and down the country fell over themselves to claim they saw him first and to peer into their crystal balls and predict fame, success and selection for next years World Cup with almost zero qualification.

Arsenal legend Ian Wright has dubbed him ‘The new Liam Brady’ whilst one un-named sweaty Arsenal fan was quoted as saying “he’s the next Theo Walcott mixed with Jesus.”

Some even went so far as to predict that he could cure Aids with the power of his mind and forgot he’d only helped Arsenal beat Rangers in a meaningless pre-season friendly, not single handedly taken on Brazil.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Kolo Toure: My cock twitched when Mark Hughes called.

On Wednesday of this week Manchester City unveiled their latest acquisition of the summer transfer window, pint sized Arsenal stalwart Kolo Toure, who was lured Northwards in a £16 million mega deal.

“We’ve always wanted to bring John Terry Joleon Lescott Kolo Toure to City,” said manager Mark Hughes. “It just proves that this club means business, and we’re not settling for second best. Nosiree. Fergie can eat me.”

“Well, when I heard Mark Hughes was interested in me I couldn’t wait to come,” said Kolo, ignoring the fact that with his freakishly small ears its doubtful he can hear anything at all.

“It was never about the money, it was about the challenge and wanting to be a part of something new. I’ll be honest I’m not even sure how much I’m earning here.” Kolo added with a face of stone, pushing his abacus to one side as his agent spaffed his pants stage left.

“Manchester City has great history and stuff, and Mark Hughes has managed some memorable teams…. like Blackburn. Wow. So it was the obvious choice. Obviously.”

Arsene Wenger however was non plussed about selling another of his senior first team players, giving the press a 40 yard stare as he said. “Seriously I couldn’t give a monkeys. Lad only cost me £150k. Apples and pears son. Now if you could all fuck off I’m going to reinvest this money in some bargain basement pre-pubescent ninjas from Brazil. Come 2017 my team is going to dick on you all. MARK MY WORDS. Tell ’em Pat Rice.”

“Arsene knows everything.” Added Pat Rice, wagging his finger at the silly, silly journalists. “You just wait till 2017.”

“You know 9-11?” Asked the Professor “Knew about that two years before it happened. Now fuck off.”

Kolo-Tour-001

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.