Dean Ashton Announces Testimonial for Beleagured Hammers


"This hurts my hands."

Big hearted football star Dean Ashton delivered a welcome boost to employers West Ham last night when the retiring football ace announced he would stage a much-needed testimonial for his faithful club in recognition of their  ‘years of loyal service’ and to help ease the crippling debt at Upton Park.

Ashton, who has pocketed somewhere in the region of £50,000 a week in wages for the last two years, said on his personal website:-

“For too long I have been injured and sat on the sidelines watching in agony as the club I loved lurched from one crisis to the next. Not only could I not help the club on the pitch but I was a millstone around their neck off it. However now that I can longer maintain the pretence that I can play again I feel it is only fair that I try to give something back other than my wages – so I am happy to announce that I will stage a testimonial at my Country Pile in aid of West Ham United. Hopefully I can now take my place in the stands my executive box and cheer West Ham onto better times with a clear conscience.”

The testimonial, Ashtonstock ’09, will give wealthy fans the opportunity to watch the legendary hit man in action for a full day – watching the lumbering forward as he goes through his daily chores – shooting geese on his palatial grounds, looking at brochures for exotic beach homes – and for one lucky punter – being allowed to touch one of the cars in his vintage collection.

The timing of this generous announcement couldn’t of come at a better time for the Hammer’s, after it was confirmed that the club would not be receiving any insurance payout following Ashton’s early retirement. Paper’s filed showed they had laughably only insured Ashton against Third Party Fire and Theft and had somewhat curiously listed him as an M Reg Metallic Blue Ford Fiesta.

No Doubt this latest oversight will fall squarely at the feet of Scott Duxbury which only adds to what is shaping up as a tricky next few weeks for the West Ham Chief Executive. On the 24th he is in court to answer allegations that he had propositioned a youth player at the club’s training ground to borrow Dean Ashton for an afternoon and to then set fire to him at an abandoned car park. Then at the beginning of December the grades for his beloved ‘project’ are due to be published, where if rumours are to be believed it will be given a firm fail as apparently “the last 30 pages of the manifesto is made up entirely of images cut out from an Argos Catalogue”.

Tickets for the Testimonial ‘Event’ go on general sale soon – so stay tuned to Crab Football for any updates.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Except for the bit about a Ford Fiesta.

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