Category Archives: Manchester United

Sports Psychologist Called in as Fears Over Michael Owen Grow

"Must. Appear. Human."

Manchester United have called upon the services of renowned sports psychologist Ian Porterhouse as concern continues to grow over the worsening mental state of diminutive striker Michael Owen. Sources inside of Old Trafford allege that years of combating injury, being frozen out of the national team and living in Newcastle have taken a terrible toll on the former England hot-shot and culminated in several bizarre incidents both on and off the training pitch. It is hoped that Dr Porterhouse will be able to address the problems but has warned that locating Owen’s personality ‘could take weeks.’

An anonymous insider told Crab Football that matters came to a head last week when depressed Owen dropped himself from his own Fantasy Dream team. Opting instead to promote Bobby Zamora to the first team and selling himself to fund future purchases.

Warning Signs

“It was a watershed moment,” said Gavin McTash, our anonymous source, “I think this is the first time he accepted he was a spent force and that tragically, yes, Bobby Zamora had more points than him. He was devastated. You could tell because he doesn’t usually have emotions. He hovered over the ‘confirm’ key for literally minutes, gently shaking and holding back the tears. It was so bad even some of the lads stopped smirking out of respect.”

Backroom staff had attempted to console the striker with little success as his frustrations manifested in a series of ugly outbursts. First the distraught striker openly cast aspersions on Fabio Capello’s sexuality in lurid detail on his official blog, challenged England rival Darren Bent to a fight to the death with pugiel sticks – best of three – and lastly was found naked in the shower room bellowing into his phone for Steve McClaren to ‘turn back time.’

“It is very distracting,” confirmed source McTash, “usually you could count on Michael to be the balanced, mature and ultimately dull head in the dressing room. He’s the sort of guy who relishes doing menial tasks like sorting the laundry or just quietly reading Horses Weekly. So you can imagine how difficult it is now for Sir Alex to give a rousing team talk when you have a catatonic Michael in the corner in the fetus position groaning lightly, or a frantic Micheal attempting to mail his excrement to Jermain Defoe in a fit of rage. It’s bad for moral. Bad for Michael. And ultimately unhygenic.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.


Wayne Rooney Defends Himself Against BBC Documentary Backlash

Genetical Grace Through the Air?

Genetical Grace Through the Air?

Football Fans are in for a treat this Wednesday evening when popular BBC documentary ‘Who do you think you are?’ returns to our screens with an hour dedicated to the family tree of Manchester United star Wayne Rooney.

Crab Football has seen an advance copy of the documentary and is happy to report that it does not disappoint, as Wayne discovers that his lineage is littered with colourful characters, from violent alcoholics and petty thieves to Micky ‘Celtic Tiger’ Rooney, the infamous Liverpool docklands bare knuckle boxer.

“It’s well interesting!” said an ecstatic Wayne, “I’ve got loads of ancestors. There is dozens of us!”

However the most startling revelation is that Wayne is made of more than Celtic stock, with researchers discovering in the national census that his great great great great grandfather was the famous street artiste Giuseppe Tagliatelle.

Giuseppe Tagliatelli - Flying Artist to Con Man

Giuseppe Tagliatelli - Flying Artist to Con Man

For those without a knowledge of Italian circus history Giuseppe Tagliatelli was one of the most famous tumbling artists of 1820’s Italy, famed for his prat falls, trapeze skills and his ability to dive unhurt into a bath of water from 20ft.

“He was the Charlie Chaplain of his era,” Said prominent historian Paul Storey, “however his life took a dramatic turn for the worse after emigrating to London in 1829 when he broke his ankle in a freak tram accident, wrecking his career. After that he tried to earn a crust by deceiving the authorities and local councils, convincingly tripping over cobblestones and faking injuries.”

“This changes everything,” said a flabbergasted John Terry, who apparently can’t stand dirty foreigners, “I used to think he was an honest lad like the rest of us, British to the core but with an odd centre of balance – we always put it down to an inner ear problem. However now I know his history I can no longer defend his performances over the past few weeks, he’s just like Eduardo, a scheming bastard. I hope he gets what he deserves!”

“I for one am glad,” said an un-named BBC commentator, “I was sick and tired of saying things like ‘Hmmmm, that seemed a fortuitous penalty.’ Now I actually can say what was always on our minds, ‘diving *******.”

With such an important international match coming up this Wednesday, we will have to wait and see how this previous favoured Lion heart is now treated by the often hostile Wembley crowd.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Arsenal Self Destruct at Old Trafford

"Who else loves KFC?"

"Who else loves KFC?"

Manchester United came back from a half-time deficit to stun Arsenal at Old Trafford and record a win in a game packed with more controversy than a West End production of ‘Gary Glitter the Musical.’

Alex Ferguson is ecstatic,” said Alex Ferguson, who only talks in third person, “I mean some of the lads were cracking out there. Where do I even start? Ben Foster was great, Abou Diaby was magnificent, Rooney’s tumbling skills were Eduardo-esque and what can I say about Mike Dean? His preferential vision is second to none.

The first half was a pulsating encounter with both teams literally going for the jugular, attacking one another’s goals like they were playing on a perverse, giant seesaw. The game really came to life in the 39 minute when Arsenal’s Russian ninja Arshavin was denied the most clear cut penalty in the history of Premier League football.

Alex Ferguson laughed his tits off about that,” said the United supremo, flicking some dirt off his shoulders, “I mean, Fletcher takes his legs out from underneath him, pushes the ball away with a hand and then proceeds to dry hump the  poor little fella on the floor. I don’t think he could have done more to stop him short of producing a rusty screw driver from his back pocket and stabbing him repeatedly in the face. But the best bit was the look on Wenger’s face, when I caught his eye I shrugged sympathetically as if to say ‘bloody refs’ but when he looked away I was pissing myself.”

Arsenal weren’t moaning for long though as a minute later the Russian produced a cracking left foot drive to give the Gooners a first half lead. A lead that should have doubled early in the second half only for Ben Foster to pull off a stunning reaction save to deny Robin Van Persie from three yards.

With Berbatov and Owen warming the bench it was difficult to see where United’s goals would come from until Wayne Rooney crumbled under a Almunia challenge, Mike Dean checking with the linesman that Rooney was a United player before awarding the spot kick, which the ginger scrote duly scored.

Arsenal were still spitting blood over the incident when Van Persie hammered the United cross bar two minutes later but things were about to get much, much worse for Wenger’s team.

First Abou Diaby short circuited and scored one of the worst own goals I’ve seen in quite some time, heading home an impotent Ryan Giggs cross with no one close to him, meaning United had taken the lead without a shot on target from open play. Then Emmanuel Eboue decided to try and get Evra sent off with an embarrassing dive, earning himself a booking, and then lastly Arsenal were denied a last gasp equaliser in the 95 minute by the lines mans flag. A decision that pissed Wenger off to the extent he kicked a water bottle! A crime so horrid that pedantic Mike Dean, who suffers from attention deficit disorder – as in he needs to be the centre of attention at all times – sent Wenger to the stands. However Wenger, being the enfant terrible he is, decided instead to clamber atop the dug out  and stand resolutely in front of the jeering Manchester United fans like some mighty football deity who frowns upon what he is witnessing.