Category Archives: Chelsea

Arsene Wenger Delighted With ‘Win’ Over Chelsea

"It's like Phillipe Sendaros never left."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today condemned by his own supporters for failing to admit that Arsenal side had lost 3-0 to Chelsea, celebrating Arsenal’s ‘4-0 win’ over their arch rivals by consuming Didier Drogba’s Man of the Match campagne and giving what can only be described as an ‘interesting’ post match interview.

Arsene Wenger who, despite being French, is unable to accept defeat. Told the assembled press:

“Aha! We really showed them today! Did you see Walcott? Carved. Them. To. Pieces. I knew he’d turn into a match winner eventually. It just takes time baby. Yeahhhhhh. And what can you say about Robin Van Persie’s 40 yard screamer? He really has it all. Right foot. Left foot. I really can pick them. I know everything! What number are you thinking of? Three. Three points to Arsenal yes siree.”

A stunned Garth Crooks repeatedly asked Wenger if he was aware of that his team were easily beaten 3-0 by Carlo Ancelotti’s dominant Blues only for the impish Arsenal manager to put him in a headlock and coerce him into agreeing with his bizarre alternative version of events where Arsenal are six points clear at the top of the league, Tottenham have been relegated for match fixing and Ashely Cole has been gored to death by wild boar in a freak hiking accident.

“Some people said I couldn’t build a team for pre pubescent wonder kids, some people said I needed big money signings to shore up the squad, but I showed them! How does it feel Ashley! HOW DOES IT FEEL!” Raged Wenger, before being dragged away by Pat Rice.

Arsenal FC later re-released a pre prepared statement from Wenger identical to previous statements made after losses to Manchester United, Manchester Lite and Sunderland and made reference to ‘giving his team time,’ asked fans to ‘judge me at the end of the season‘ and warned naysayers that he ‘would never learn surrender.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Chelsea Fined £160,000 by UEFA for Breaking Geneva Convention

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Crab Football has learnt that Chelsea FC are to be punished yet again by UEFA President Michel Platini for what has been described as ‘pesistent and intentional abuse of the 1949 Geneva Convention.’

The London based Club, already reeling from the one year transfer ban meted out for the controversial signing of Len’s teenager Gaël Kakuta, has been fined an initial £160,000 fine after UEFA investigators compiled a dossier of evidence illustrating that the back room antics at Stamford Bridge makes Guantanamo Bay’s Camp X-ray look like Butlins.

Ahead of Monday’s press conference Michel Platini is quoted as saying in L’Equipe “This fine sends out a strong message that UEFA does not consider water boarding a ‘motivational tool’ within the context of football. We are thoroughly committed to stamping out these sort of illicit activities from the modern game.’

No one at Chelsea has commented on these accusations however Roman Abramovich, speaking from his island fortress, is quoted as dryly saying ‘boo hoo’ before rinsing his eyes in a ‘really sarcastic manner.’ Causing numerous henchmen to ‘spontaneously’ errupt with laughter.

More to follow.

Ashley and Cheryl Plot World Domination Despite Rumours of ‘Shortness’

Doesn't Ashley look a little short here?

Doesn't Ashley look a little short here?

Ashley Cole’s wife Cheryl Cole has revealed to this months OK magazine that she wants Girls Aloud to crack America in the future.

“It’s a big, big challenge and means alot to us. We’ve conquered most of Europe but breaking into America would be something else altogether.”

It is believed that ambitious Cheryl plans to win over the American public before eventually turning her hand to acting. She has already screen tested for the role of scrubber-turned-good Eliza Doolittle for Universal Picture’s forthcoming remake of ‘My Fair Lady’ whilst multi talented Ashley has lent his golden touch to new British gangster film Dead Man Running, which he’s produced with Rio Ferdinand.

Rumours are rife that Ashley and Cheryl are so committed to launching brand Cole Stateside that they are close to signing with one of Tinsel Town’s most influential talent agencies, Sylvia Francis & Associates Talent Agency (SFA).  A source for the agency has told The Crab:

“Cheryl and Cole are two very marketable celebrities who alone would have a fighting chance of breaking America – however together they are the dream ticket. Some people laugh but they could be the new Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise – Cheryl is beautiful, glamorous and feisty whilst Ashley is much like a British Tom, good looking, famous the world over….. however unfortunately quite ‘short’.”

Ashley has been dogged by rumours about his shortness over the years – something that has become a prickly subject for the Chelsea left back – to the point where he will no longer answer questions on the subject in interviews, refusing to confirm whether he is short or not, or even if he is ‘a little short.’

His team mates haven’t helped the rumours swirling around Ashley, with Frank Lampard recalling in FHM magazine an occasion when he and Cole were clubbing with team mates. Frank said in the publication that ‘when I looked over to the dance floor I could make Ashley out immediately – mainly because of his resplendent pink vinyl shirt, anyway I realised as he did the Macarena that he did look , y’know, really short. Which is cool. I’m open minded..’

Ashley’s agent Marcus Tick though has been quick to poor cold water over these claims:

‘We stringently deny any rumours that my client is short. I mean he’s married to Cheryl Cole isn’t he? Do you think she’d marry someone who was a right short arse? We also deny that for the the first few months he dated Cheryl he walked on tip toes the whole time. That is a simply ridiculous accusation. Ashley is secure in the knowledge that he is a normal tall man, so secure in fact that if anyone suggests otherwise we’ll just laugh it off….. and then sue them.’

However The Crab has asked leading marketing consultants whether being short is really that big a deal. Adele Meeker of Global Synergy explained to us:

‘It’s safe to say that short girls sell products. However sadly lots of men still feel threatened by short men. That can kill a product. It’s just that simple.’

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. For the record we reckon Ashley is well tall. Almost a giant.

Carlo Ancelotti Condemns ‘Fat Girl Rodeo’

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Kalou arrives at Mayfair club.

Chelsea Manager Carlo Ancelotti is said to incensed over the adverse media attention surrounding his Chelsea players after they threw a no expense spared 24th Birthday party for forward Salomon Kalou at the exclusive ‘Mayfair’ nightclub in London.

A statement issued by Chelsea read: “Further to media reports that have appeared alleging that Chelsea players attending Salomon Kalou’s birthday party on Wednesday night spent £120,000 on drinks, the club and the players totally deny the facts and implications of these reports.”

“We are consulting our lawyers on behalf of Chelsea and the players and it is guaranteed that formal complaints will follow against those media outlets which published these false claims.”

However it is said that the Chelsea manager is more concerned about the conduct of his players inside the club rather than the astronomical bar bill after reports reached the press that team captain John Terry had won a game of ‘fat girl rodeo.’

“It was pretty childish,” said one eye witness, “Didier Drogba was totally inebriated, falling over even more than normal and told everyone that it was ‘fat girl rodeo time.’ When we realised what that entailed we were horrified.”

“It started off tamely enough,” said another eye witness, “Frank Lampard snogged a swamp donkey with a bit of muffin top, we’ve all done it, and then Alex responded by pulling her mate, who was a tad bulkier. You know, had let herself go. Things went suddenly down hill when John Terry got involved. He doesn’t like to lose at anything. So he arrows straight for the largest heifer, a lass who has strayed from the herd that the guys had nicknamed ‘Andy Reid’s sister’ and he just snogged her. BAM! A true leader.”

And how big was the lady in question?

“She looked like she’d eaten Vanesa Feltz.” Said one eye witness, Jodie from Essex.

“And then things started getting really out of control. Drogba declared Terry the winner and said it was time for him to ‘rodeo.’ Some of the other guys warned him it was too dangerous but Terry, calm as you like, just walked back over to the girl and held her gently by the wrists before announcing ‘congratulations, you’ve just won fat girl rodeo.’ ”

“It got uglier than Martin Keown,” Said Australian barman Mikey Fletcher, “Terry made the mistake of smirking after he said it and she started flailing absolutely everywhere and flinging him around like a rag doll. But fair play to Terry, he just smiled and held on for dear life whilst shouting ‘Ride the wave! Whooooooo!’ We let him ride her for two minutes before we had to chloroform her, it was getting cruel.”

Chelsea and Mayfair nightclub have strenuously denied this story.

“We have a policy of not chloroforming fat girls,” said a spokesman for the Mayfair club.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography Shocks The Literary World

The much anticipated book

Chelsea forward Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are already labelling ‘shocking’ and ‘compelling.’

The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary.

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