Tag Archives: Dean Ashton

Dean Ashton Announces Testimonial for Beleagured Hammers

"This hurts my hands."

Big hearted football star Dean Ashton delivered a welcome boost to employers West Ham last night when the retiring football ace announced he would stage a much-needed testimonial for his faithful club in recognition of their  ‘years of loyal service’ and to help ease the crippling debt at Upton Park.

Ashton, who has pocketed somewhere in the region of £50,000 a week in wages for the last two years, said on his personal website:-

“For too long I have been injured and sat on the sidelines watching in agony as the club I loved lurched from one crisis to the next. Not only could I not help the club on the pitch but I was a millstone around their neck off it. However now that I can longer maintain the pretence that I can play again I feel it is only fair that I try to give something back other than my wages – so I am happy to announce that I will stage a testimonial at my Country Pile in aid of West Ham United. Hopefully I can now take my place in the stands my executive box and cheer West Ham onto better times with a clear conscience.”

The testimonial, Ashtonstock ’09, will give wealthy fans the opportunity to watch the legendary hit man in action for a full day – watching the lumbering forward as he goes through his daily chores – shooting geese on his palatial grounds, looking at brochures for exotic beach homes – and for one lucky punter – being allowed to touch one of the cars in his vintage collection.

The timing of this generous announcement couldn’t of come at a better time for the Hammer’s, after it was confirmed that the club would not be receiving any insurance payout following Ashton’s early retirement. Paper’s filed showed they had laughably only insured Ashton against Third Party Fire and Theft and had somewhat curiously listed him as an M Reg Metallic Blue Ford Fiesta.

No Doubt this latest oversight will fall squarely at the feet of Scott Duxbury which only adds to what is shaping up as a tricky next few weeks for the West Ham Chief Executive. On the 24th he is in court to answer allegations that he had propositioned a youth player at the club’s training ground to borrow Dean Ashton for an afternoon and to then set fire to him at an abandoned car park. Then at the beginning of December the grades for his beloved ‘project’ are due to be published, where if rumours are to be believed it will be given a firm fail as apparently “the last 30 pages of the manifesto is made up entirely of images cut out from an Argos Catalogue”.

Tickets for the Testimonial ‘Event’ go on general sale soon – so stay tuned to Crab Football for any updates.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Except for the bit about a Ford Fiesta.


The Secret Life of Dean Ashton Is Exposed


The Crab is shocked to learn that injury plagued West Ham striker Dean Ashton has apparently been tracked down by  exasperated manager Gianfranco Zola. On a building site in Stratford! It appears that the cheeky England ‘hit man’ has been earning a second income as a brick layer.

Manager Zola is said to be disgusted at Ashton’s activities. Understandably dismayed his star striker needs to supplement his £40,000 a week income with an additional £200 a week he earns from brick laying.

“I’m bloody livid,” said the West Ham manager, who is as tall as a large child, “he needs a second income like Stephen Hawkings needs rollerblades.”

It is alleged that Ashton, who suffers from lactating nipples and dodgy knees, has been working on the Formby Road site for nearly a whole year and is quite the aspiring scaffolder.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Ashton, who goes by the alias ‘Davey’ as he put his hard hat and copy of The Sport into the back of his white van, which looked suspiciously like a Ferrari.

Sources inside Upton Park also claim to have been contacted by Job Centre Plus after reports were received that cheeky Ashton was popping in on a regular basis, claiming incapacity benefits of £56.34 a week and housing benefits.

“It’s more common than you realise, it’s like Ledley all over again.” Said Martin Ricklock, Senior Fraud Investigator. “These playboys think they can fleece the innocent tax payer for literally hundreds of pounds but we won’t stand for it. We will prosecute to the full power of our legislation.”

However the problems at West Ham could only be the tip of the ice berg as further clubs launch their own investigations, it is rumoured Arsenal are looking into the extra curricular activities of midfielder Tomas Rosicky after receiving an anonymous tip. Their source alleging the Czech maestro is running a highly successful painting and decorating service in East Finchley on the sly.

Rosicky moved quickly to deny these claims, injuring himself in the process.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.