The Crab’s Weekend Roundup – 22nd November 2009


This is not a joke.

The rollercoaster Premier League season shows no signs of slowing down as this weekend’s fixtures produced more goals than a man with Parkinson’s could shake a stick at – with Tottenham‘s astonishing 9 – 1 over Wigan catching the eye. Tottenham, who had cast doubts on their push for a top four place with a string of frankly mediocre performances, bulldozed Wigan by a convincing 8 goal margin that could have been much more. Jermaine Defoe became only the third Premiership player to score five in a match but the plaudits must be shared with Aaron Lennon who put in the sort of performance that would have even made Christiano Ronaldo decorate his underpants in excitement.

Anything is possible now. Christ they could even win a trophy of worth.

Tottenham’s victory will be all the more sweet for the fact the Gunners lost 1 – 0 to Sunderland at the Stadium of Light to end their 13 game unbeaten streak. Darren Bent, recognising that the Arsenal team contained no Brazilians, actually played rather well, snatching the only goal of a tight game.

David Dunn was one of the few bright lights in a tepid game at Bolton, scoring a delightful opener for Blackburn before Samuel Ricketts sealed Bolton’s fourth straight defeat with a needless own goal – destined for a dreary Nick Hancock bloopers DVD that you get for Christmas from an Aunt who has never heard of youtube.

Bless her.

Stoke beat resurgent Portsmouth 1-0 at the Britannia Stadium despite the lowly visitors showing enough quality to win the game and fluffing a host of chances, including a piss weak first half spot kick from Kevin Prince Boateng, awarded after Rory Delap nearly decapitated Dindane with a Jean Claude Van Damme-esque clearance. Ricardo Fuller stole the three points with a classy second half finish.

Manchester United glided past an ineffectual Everton, thanks in no small part to Darren Fletcher, who appears to have died in the summer and been cunningly replaced by an all action wonder midfielder capable of pulling amazing goals out of kilt at the drop of a hat. His first half volley set his team on the road to a comfortable 3-0 win.

Anything Manchester United can do this year, Chelsea can do one better, although to be fair it wasn’t difficult as Wolves offered less resistance at Stamford Bridge than an ice skating rink covered in grease. Chelsea won 4-0 and showed no ill effects from the international break with Michael Essien bagging two classy goals to boot. He’ll be sorely missed during the African Nations Cup.

Hull City managed to squeeze their yearly quota of entertainment into a single match at the KC Stadium. Drawing 3-3 with a fragile West Ham team that always looks 10 minutes from total capitulation. A bullish Phil Brown optimistically claimed that his team had ‘turned a corner’ in recent weeks and would soon be ‘challenging for honours.’

Actually he didn’t say that. But he was probably thinking it.

Elsewhere Manchester Lite drew 2-2 with  Liverpool to record their sixth successive Premier League draw. Under pressure boss Mark Hughes attempted to put some gloss on the result by claiming that they had restricted Liverpools influential players from having an impact on the game” which wasn’t difficult since most of them were lying prone on the treatment table and dreaming of a January transfer. Mark Hughes’s will be hoping for 3 points against Hull next week or he will set a new record for successive draws in the Premier League and be the proud owner of a P45.

And lastly Emile Heskey scored his annual goal for Aston Villa in a 1-1 draw with Burnley (Argentina and Germany will be literally shitting themselves next summer) whilst Orc faced Lee Bowyer rolled back the years scoring Birmingham‘s only goal against Fulham.

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