Category Archives: Didier Drogba

Arsene Wenger Delighted With ‘Win’ Over Chelsea

"It's like Phillipe Sendaros never left."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today condemned by his own supporters for failing to admit that Arsenal side had lost 3-0 to Chelsea, celebrating Arsenal’s ‘4-0 win’ over their arch rivals by consuming Didier Drogba’s Man of the Match campagne and giving what can only be described as an ‘interesting’ post match interview.

Arsene Wenger who, despite being French, is unable to accept defeat. Told the assembled press:

“Aha! We really showed them today! Did you see Walcott? Carved. Them. To. Pieces. I knew he’d turn into a match winner eventually. It just takes time baby. Yeahhhhhh. And what can you say about Robin Van Persie’s 40 yard screamer? He really has it all. Right foot. Left foot. I really can pick them. I know everything! What number are you thinking of? Three. Three points to Arsenal yes siree.”

A stunned Garth Crooks repeatedly asked Wenger if he was aware of that his team were easily beaten 3-0 by Carlo Ancelotti’s dominant Blues only for the impish Arsenal manager to put him in a headlock and coerce him into agreeing with his bizarre alternative version of events where Arsenal are six points clear at the top of the league, Tottenham have been relegated for match fixing and Ashely Cole has been gored to death by wild boar in a freak hiking accident.

“Some people said I couldn’t build a team for pre pubescent wonder kids, some people said I needed big money signings to shore up the squad, but I showed them! How does it feel Ashley! HOW DOES IT FEEL!” Raged Wenger, before being dragged away by Pat Rice.

Arsenal FC later re-released a pre prepared statement from Wenger identical to previous statements made after losses to Manchester United, Manchester Lite and Sunderland and made reference to ‘giving his team time,’ asked fans to ‘judge me at the end of the season‘ and warned naysayers that he ‘would never learn surrender.’

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.


Carlo Ancelotti Condemns ‘Fat Girl Rodeo’


Kalou arrives at Mayfair club.

Chelsea Manager Carlo Ancelotti is said to incensed over the adverse media attention surrounding his Chelsea players after they threw a no expense spared 24th Birthday party for forward Salomon Kalou at the exclusive ‘Mayfair’ nightclub in London.

A statement issued by Chelsea read: “Further to media reports that have appeared alleging that Chelsea players attending Salomon Kalou’s birthday party on Wednesday night spent £120,000 on drinks, the club and the players totally deny the facts and implications of these reports.”

“We are consulting our lawyers on behalf of Chelsea and the players and it is guaranteed that formal complaints will follow against those media outlets which published these false claims.”

However it is said that the Chelsea manager is more concerned about the conduct of his players inside the club rather than the astronomical bar bill after reports reached the press that team captain John Terry had won a game of ‘fat girl rodeo.’

“It was pretty childish,” said one eye witness, “Didier Drogba was totally inebriated, falling over even more than normal and told everyone that it was ‘fat girl rodeo time.’ When we realised what that entailed we were horrified.”

“It started off tamely enough,” said another eye witness, “Frank Lampard snogged a swamp donkey with a bit of muffin top, we’ve all done it, and then Alex responded by pulling her mate, who was a tad bulkier. You know, had let herself go. Things went suddenly down hill when John Terry got involved. He doesn’t like to lose at anything. So he arrows straight for the largest heifer, a lass who has strayed from the herd that the guys had nicknamed ‘Andy Reid’s sister’ and he just snogged her. BAM! A true leader.”

And how big was the lady in question?

“She looked like she’d eaten Vanesa Feltz.” Said one eye witness, Jodie from Essex.

“And then things started getting really out of control. Drogba declared Terry the winner and said it was time for him to ‘rodeo.’ Some of the other guys warned him it was too dangerous but Terry, calm as you like, just walked back over to the girl and held her gently by the wrists before announcing ‘congratulations, you’ve just won fat girl rodeo.’ ”

“It got uglier than Martin Keown,” Said Australian barman Mikey Fletcher, “Terry made the mistake of smirking after he said it and she started flailing absolutely everywhere and flinging him around like a rag doll. But fair play to Terry, he just smiled and held on for dear life whilst shouting ‘Ride the wave! Whooooooo!’ We let him ride her for two minutes before we had to chloroform her, it was getting cruel.”

Chelsea and Mayfair nightclub have strenuously denied this story.

“We have a policy of not chloroforming fat girls,” said a spokesman for the Mayfair club.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.