Avram Grant Confirmed For Suicide Mission

Avram Grant - Clinically dead.

Portsmouth chief executive Peter Storie today confirmed the totally non-shocking-news-that-nobody-saw-coming-a-mile-off that Portsmouth’s director of football Avram Grant will take over as manager from Paul Hart – effective immediately.

Cunning Storie told flabagasterd news hounds:-

“Yes it is true that Avram is the new gaffer – I know it’s hard to believe but we’ve been intending to make him manager ever since he joined us last month as “director of football” but y’know, we’d been waiting for his pesky work permit to clear and for the opportune moment to  put Paul out of his misery ….. Which was this Tuesday when he was doing his shoe laces up and looking forlorn. BAM! That’s all she wrote.”


The Pompey board are delighted to be able to bring in a manager with such a proven track record, having previously been director of football at Portsmouth in 2007 before joining Chelsea and eventually replacing Jose Mourinho as manager.

“He’s done it all,” explained Storie on the club’s official website as he dislodged the knife from between Paul Hart’s shoulder blades and muffled his last screams with a pillow, “he was one Terry howler away from winning the Champions League for God’s sake! Admittedly Frank Lampard has more skill in his big toe than Michael Brown and that the useless trollop Younnes Kabol isn’t fit to lick the mud from John Terry’s boots but I’m sure he’ll rescue us. If not we’ll arbitrarily sack him and promote some poor stodge to man the sinking ship – it’s our way.”

Grant will be in the dug out this Saturday for the visit of Manchester United.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.


One response to “Avram Grant Confirmed For Suicide Mission

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