Dean Ashton Announces Testimonial for Beleagured Hammers

"This hurts my hands."

Big hearted football star Dean Ashton delivered a welcome boost to employers West Ham last night when the retiring football ace announced he would stage a much-needed testimonial for his faithful club in recognition of their  ‘years of loyal service’ and to help ease the crippling debt at Upton Park.

Ashton, who has pocketed somewhere in the region of £50,000 a week in wages for the last two years, said on his personal website:-

“For too long I have been injured and sat on the sidelines watching in agony as the club I loved lurched from one crisis to the next. Not only could I not help the club on the pitch but I was a millstone around their neck off it. However now that I can longer maintain the pretence that I can play again I feel it is only fair that I try to give something back other than my wages – so I am happy to announce that I will stage a testimonial at my Country Pile in aid of West Ham United. Hopefully I can now take my place in the stands my executive box and cheer West Ham onto better times with a clear conscience.”

The testimonial, Ashtonstock ’09, will give wealthy fans the opportunity to watch the legendary hit man in action for a full day – watching the lumbering forward as he goes through his daily chores – shooting geese on his palatial grounds, looking at brochures for exotic beach homes – and for one lucky punter – being allowed to touch one of the cars in his vintage collection.

The timing of this generous announcement couldn’t of come at a better time for the Hammer’s, after it was confirmed that the club would not be receiving any insurance payout following Ashton’s early retirement. Paper’s filed showed they had laughably only insured Ashton against Third Party Fire and Theft and had somewhat curiously listed him as an M Reg Metallic Blue Ford Fiesta.

No Doubt this latest oversight will fall squarely at the feet of Scott Duxbury which only adds to what is shaping up as a tricky next few weeks for the West Ham Chief Executive. On the 24th he is in court to answer allegations that he had propositioned a youth player at the club’s training ground to borrow Dean Ashton for an afternoon and to then set fire to him at an abandoned car park. Then at the beginning of December the grades for his beloved ‘project’ are due to be published, where if rumours are to be believed it will be given a firm fail as apparently “the last 30 pages of the manifesto is made up entirely of images cut out from an Argos Catalogue”.

Tickets for the Testimonial ‘Event’ go on general sale soon – so stay tuned to Crab Football for any updates.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional. Except for the bit about a Ford Fiesta.

Zola to Cryogentically Freeze Dean Ashton until ‘Medical Science Advances’

Put the date in your diary West Ham fans! 13th September 2023. That is the date, according to Nobel Prize winning Doctor Evich Leinsnag, that a rejuvenated Dean Ashton could be leading West Ham players onto the pitch for the inaugural game of 2023/24 season…… at the tender age of 26?

Crab Football yesterday visited the research centre of the Stalberg Institute in Zurich, to watch in awe as Iron’s striker Dean Ashton underwent the controversial new treatment that is sweeping the Premier League. Cryotheraphy.

“Gianfranco approached us zum months ago,” says Herr Leinsnag, lead researcher for the Stalberg Institute, “he asked us if with all the ze medical advancements  could ve diagnose and fix Dean zo that he could one day play again? I told Zola  zis was impossible! We can grow a baby from a stem cell, graft ze arms back onto a man who az lost iz arms in a tragic arm losing accident – but repair Deano? Nein. Zat is science fiction!”

However, in news that will ignite hope in similar cases *cough* Owen Hargreaves *cough* Herr Leinsnag offered the diminutive Italian a tantalising and cheaper alternative to having him just lie for years on a treatment table. To cryogenically freeze Dean Ashton until such a time that lost causes like him can be cured.

“It iz much like ze film Austin Powers,” explained Leinsnag, “we vill suspend Ashton in ice, as if he vere dead, and reanimate iz body when technology can determine whot the fock iz wrong with him. Before you know it he vill be leading out veterans like Zines and Tompkins against Liverpool in 2023.”

However these procedures have been criticised by Footballs governing body FIFA for being both un-natural and ‘ungodly’ but Upton Park supremo Zola is unrepentant at taking such extreme measures. Telling Crab Football that there were few other options:-

“We are resigned to the fact at West Ham that we are doomed, not only with Deano but generally too. Myself and the board have taken the tough decision to essentially write off this season, to pile the sand bags around the pantry and to wait this thing out. Hopefully by the time Deano is thawed this year will just feel like a horrible horrible dream.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

Upson Bullied out of club for Hairy Testicles?

There have been reports this morning of an impending departure for England International Matthew Upson from West Ham United. Although presently unconfirmed by the club, a statement released by the club captain yesterday evening, it would appear a transfer is soon on the cards.

West Ham have been renowned for bringing on talented youngsters over the years, that would go on and prosper at some of world’s biggest teams. Never turning their back on their ‘Academy’ traditions, in recent times they cemented this outlook as the foundation of the club’s “Project” outlined by Chief Executive Scott Duxbury.

However it would appear that the sudden influx of young blood at Upton Park, has tipped the scales and has resulted in a generation gap of which they are unable to bridge and could lead to the complete departure of the club’s senior established players.

Matthew Upson reportedly said “At first when I joined the club it made you feel proud to be part of the Academy – to guide these young players on and off the field, they really looked up to the older players. However towards the end of last season more injuries meant more players from the youth set up were filling gaps left in the squad and almost overnight the mood changed – it became quite nasty”.

“At first it was gentle banter and you could just pretend to laugh it off, but then one afternoon I was leaving Chadwell Heath after training when I could see a group of the younger players sitting on the bonnet of my car. I tried to ignore them and get straight in the drivers seat but then Junior (Stanislas) stood in my way and asked where I was going adding “you going to pick up your pension?!?” I tried to step past him, however now being jeered on by the other players he shouted in my face “what’s the matter!?? … you deaf GRAND-DAD?!?!?” At this point I just turned round and ran back into the building – there was no way I was going to let them see me cry”.

“I got off relatively easy to begin with, it was Lucas (Neill) who had to bare the full brunt of the abuse which inevitably saw him leave the club. He put up with it for many weeks but then at our last away game of the season at Goodison Park, Neill was attempting to give a team talk before the game when suddenly Freddie Sears declared to the room that Lucas smelled of wee. It was at this point, with numerous youngsters pointing, laughing and pretending to hold their nose, that he knew he had lost the team. Only a matter of weeks later he had left the club, he was the club’s captain for heavens sake! These kids just don’t know respect”.

Following Neill’s departure from the club, it was Upson who the club turned to for the captaincy, “During the summer break I decided to wipe the slate clean and hope for a fresh start with the new season – it began well, Sears had been loaned out to Palace and the remaining kids now seemed to be responding. However while we we’re in Beijing preparing to play Tottenham, I was having a shower in the changing rooms when suddenly James Tomkins shouts “Ewwww gross, he has hair on his balls” I just stood there, ashamed, amongst chants of Hairy balls Upson”.

“Steve Clarke pretended not to hear what was happening, perhaps wary they could turn on him. Gianfranco was even less help – when I looked at him for some back up he just stood there and gave his usual grin like the banjo playing kid from Deliverance. So for me the final straw has been reached and I am left with no alternative but to seek first team football elsewhere. My thoughts are with those players who remain – sure Boa Morte has feigned injury, Ashton has disappeared and Quashie has hidden from the first team squad for well over a year now, but these tactics can only last so long”.

There will surely be no lack of takers for Upson’s signatures, but perhaps the real interest will remain at Upton Park as we see how this Children of the Corn scenario plays out this coming season.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

The Secret Life of Dean Ashton Is Exposed

The Crab is shocked to learn that injury plagued West Ham striker Dean Ashton has apparently been tracked down by  exasperated manager Gianfranco Zola. On a building site in Stratford! It appears that the cheeky England ‘hit man’ has been earning a second income as a brick layer.

Manager Zola is said to be disgusted at Ashton’s activities. Understandably dismayed his star striker needs to supplement his £40,000 a week income with an additional £200 a week he earns from brick laying.

“I’m bloody livid,” said the West Ham manager, who is as tall as a large child, “he needs a second income like Stephen Hawkings needs rollerblades.”

It is alleged that Ashton, who suffers from lactating nipples and dodgy knees, has been working on the Formby Road site for nearly a whole year and is quite the aspiring scaffolder.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Ashton, who goes by the alias ‘Davey’ as he put his hard hat and copy of The Sport into the back of his white van, which looked suspiciously like a Ferrari.

Sources inside Upton Park also claim to have been contacted by Job Centre Plus after reports were received that cheeky Ashton was popping in on a regular basis, claiming incapacity benefits of £56.34 a week and housing benefits.

“It’s more common than you realise, it’s like Ledley all over again.” Said Martin Ricklock, Senior Fraud Investigator. “These playboys think they can fleece the innocent tax payer for literally hundreds of pounds but we won’t stand for it. We will prosecute to the full power of our legislation.”

However the problems at West Ham could only be the tip of the ice berg as further clubs launch their own investigations, it is rumoured Arsenal are looking into the extra curricular activities of midfielder Tomas Rosicky after receiving an anonymous tip. Their source alleging the Czech maestro is running a highly successful painting and decorating service in East Finchley on the sly.

Rosicky moved quickly to deny these claims, injuring himself in the process.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.