"Must. Appear. Human."
Manchester United have called upon the services of renowned sports psychologist Ian Porterhouse as concern continues to grow over the worsening mental state of diminutive striker Michael Owen. Sources inside of Old Trafford allege that years of combating injury, being frozen out of the national team and living in Newcastle have taken a terrible toll on the former England hot-shot and culminated in several bizarre incidents both on and off the training pitch. It is hoped that Dr Porterhouse will be able to address the problems but has warned that locating Owen’s personality ‘could take weeks.’
An anonymous insider told Crab Football that matters came to a head last week when depressed Owen dropped himself from his own Fantasy Dream team. Opting instead to promote Bobby Zamora to the first team and selling himself to fund future purchases.
Warning Signs
“It was a watershed moment,” said Gavin McTash, our anonymous source, “I think this is the first time he accepted he was a spent force and that tragically, yes, Bobby Zamora had more points than him. He was devastated. You could tell because he doesn’t usually have emotions. He hovered over the ‘confirm’ key for literally minutes, gently shaking and holding back the tears. It was so bad even some of the lads stopped smirking out of respect.”
Backroom staff had attempted to console the striker with little success as his frustrations manifested in a series of ugly outbursts. First the distraught striker openly cast aspersions on Fabio Capello’s sexuality in lurid detail on his official blog, challenged England rival Darren Bent to a fight to the death with pugiel sticks – best of three – and lastly was found naked in the shower room bellowing into his phone for Steve McClaren to ‘turn back time.’
“It is very distracting,” confirmed source McTash, “usually you could count on Michael to be the balanced, mature and ultimately dull head in the dressing room. He’s the sort of guy who relishes doing menial tasks like sorting the laundry or just quietly reading Horses Weekly. So you can imagine how difficult it is now for Sir Alex to give a rousing team talk when you have a catatonic Michael in the corner in the fetus position groaning lightly, or a frantic Micheal attempting to mail his excrement to Jermain Defoe in a fit of rage. It’s bad for moral. Bad for Michael. And ultimately unhygenic.”
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