Put the date in your diary West Ham fans! 13th September 2023. That is the date, according to Nobel Prize winning Doctor Evich Leinsnag, that a rejuvenated Dean Ashton could be leading West Ham players onto the pitch for the inaugural game of 2023/24 season…… at the tender age of 26?
Crab Football yesterday visited the research centre of the Stalberg Institute in Zurich, to watch in awe as Iron’s striker Dean Ashton underwent the controversial new treatment that is sweeping the Premier League. Cryotheraphy.
“Gianfranco approached us zum months ago,” says Herr Leinsnag, lead researcher for the Stalberg Institute, “he asked us if with all the ze medical advancements could ve diagnose and fix Dean zo that he could one day play again? I told Zola zis was impossible! We can grow a baby from a stem cell, graft ze arms back onto a man who az lost iz arms in a tragic arm losing accident – but repair Deano? Nein. Zat is science fiction!”
However, in news that will ignite hope in similar cases *cough* Owen Hargreaves *cough* Herr Leinsnag offered the diminutive Italian a tantalising and cheaper alternative to having him just lie for years on a treatment table. To cryogenically freeze Dean Ashton until such a time that lost causes like him can be cured.
“It iz much like ze film Austin Powers,” explained Leinsnag, “we vill suspend Ashton in ice, as if he vere dead, and reanimate iz body when technology can determine whot the fock iz wrong with him. Before you know it he vill be leading out veterans like Zines and Tompkins against Liverpool in 2023.”
However these procedures have been criticised by Footballs governing body FIFA for being both un-natural and ‘ungodly’ but Upton Park supremo Zola is unrepentant at taking such extreme measures. Telling Crab Football that there were few other options:-
“We are resigned to the fact at West Ham that we are doomed, not only with Deano but generally too. Myself and the board have taken the tough decision to essentially write off this season, to pile the sand bags around the pantry and to wait this thing out. Hopefully by the time Deano is thawed this year will just feel like a horrible horrible dream.”
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