Zola to Cryogentically Freeze Dean Ashton until ‘Medical Science Advances’


dean ashton villa

Put the date in your diary West Ham fans! 13th September 2023. That is the date, according to Nobel Prize winning Doctor Evich Leinsnag, that a rejuvenated Dean Ashton could be leading West Ham players onto the pitch for the inaugural game of 2023/24 season…… at the tender age of 26?

Crab Football yesterday visited the research centre of the Stalberg Institute in Zurich, to watch in awe as Iron’s striker Dean Ashton underwent the controversial new treatment that is sweeping the Premier League. Cryotheraphy.

Gianfranco approached us zum months ago,” says Herr Leinsnag, lead researcher for the Stalberg Institute, “he asked us if with all the ze medical advancements  could ve diagnose and fix Dean zo that he could one day play again? I told Zola  zis was impossible! We can grow a baby from a stem cell, graft ze arms back onto a man who az lost iz arms in a tragic arm losing accident – but repair Deano? Nein. Zat is science fiction!

However, in news that will ignite hope in similar cases *cough* Owen Hargreaves *cough* Herr Leinsnag offered the diminutive Italian a tantalising and cheaper alternative to having him just lie for years on a treatment table. To cryogenically freeze Dean Ashton until such a time that lost causes like him can be cured.

It iz much like ze film Austin Powers,” explained Leinsnag, “we vill suspend Ashton in ice, as if he vere dead, and reanimate iz body when technology can determine whot the fock iz wrong with him. Before you know it he vill be leading out veterans like Zines and Tompkins against Liverpool in 2023.”

However these procedures have been criticised by Footballs governing body FIFA for being both un-natural and ‘ungodly’ but Upton Park supremo Zola is unrepentant at taking such extreme measures. Telling Crab Football that there were few other options:-

“We are resigned to the fact at West Ham that we are doomed, not only with Deano but generally too. Myself and the board have taken the tough decision to essentially write off this season, to pile the sand bags around the pantry and to wait this thing out. Hopefully by the time Deano is thawed this year will just feel like a horrible horrible dream.”

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

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3 responses to “Zola to Cryogentically Freeze Dean Ashton until ‘Medical Science Advances’

  1. Will the world be around to see this great player
    make his reappreance in 2023 ? The Azetecs inform us that the world will end in 2012 .They would be better off trying to cure him with enzymes from the tail of a lizard – see how a new tail replaces a detached one .I remember reading about it in alternate medicine , or was it from a bad 1950’s science fiction movie?

    • Ashton in a 1950’s Science Fiction B movie? Hmmmmmmm. He wakes up 20 years from now to find the world is over run by Zombies? There’s a pun in there somewhere….

  2. Yeah , imagine this scenario -Ashton’s injuries are cured by enzymes derived from tails of Komodo lizards ,but soon the side effects start to show .He develops a taste for putrid flesh and gradually morphs into a lizard – defences stay clear of him [ not only is he repulsive and scaly,his breath stops all berofe him ],he scores many goals .The FA ban him for being offensive and West Ham put him into cold storage till a cure for the cure is found. 20 years later they thaw him out and let him loose on the Zombies who have taken over the world ,and he eats them all and saves the world .The FA still won’t allow him to play on account of him having a abnormal and offensive appendage in his shorts – his tail[ I hope you weren’t thinking of the other appendage ]. I ‘ m now willing to sell this sceenplay to any interested Hollywood producers Got to go ,there’s a knock at the door and I see to men in white coats carrying a jacket they’d like me to try on.Bye for now ….. I ‘ll keep you posted .

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