Footballer Charged by Police After ‘Raping Himself’


Un-named England footballer.

Un-named England footballer.

English football was BOOTED firmly back into the gutter last night as it emerged an unnamed England international was being held by Police following allegations of rape.

The rapturous wave of euphoria following England’s thumping victory over Croatia has now been substituted by a twisted whirlpool of revulsion as details emerge regarding the sordid incident.  Sensationally, Police have been left scratching their heads as both the victim and the alleged perpetrator are the SAME PERSON.

A police spokesperson made the following statement yesterday: “The Police received a phone call from the victim on the morning of the 5th September claiming he’d been the victim of a serious sexual assault. When Police arrived to interview the victim, he claimed the perpetrator was … him.  Effectively he’s accused himself of raping…himself.  As such we’ve charged him with grievous narcissism.”

Controversial sexual liaisons and massive egos have long been the preserve of the footballing world, but this incident represents the first time the two have converged so heinously.  Football has remained refreshingly rape-free since January when Robinho dodged allegations of sexual assault – but this incident has seen football once more donning the stained coat of perversion.

Whilst details are still relatively thin on the ground, Crab Football can reveal the monstrous incident occurred following a riotous night out at notorious celeb hang-out ‘Whiskey Mist’.  A well placed source at the club that night EXCLUSIVELY revealed:

“I saw him drinking and dancing with friends; after a while I saw him apparently staring at his own reflection, looking himself up and down and smiling.  After flirting with himself for a few minutes he retreated to the VIP area and started gently stroking his own leg and whispering to himself…at first he seemed reluctant to respond to his own advances, but he was pretty insistent. He was trying all the tricks to impress himself, I distinctly heard him say ‘Do you know how much this watch cost?’ To which he replied, ‘yeah, because I bought it last week.’

“He was plying himself with booze all night, and finally, at about 3am he just stood up, grabbed himself by the hand and threw himself into a cab.”

Marcus Blumpkin, the lawyer representing the unnamed player as both prosecutor and defence made the following statement:

“My client is adamant that he is both innocent and guilty of the charges levelled at him and has insisted he will both fight these erroneous allegations whilst simultaneously insisting that they are true.”

More news as this story develops….

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. This is fictional.

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3 responses to “Footballer Charged by Police After ‘Raping Himself’

  1. I guess this had to happen – what with fans encouraging the players of the opposing team to f**k
    themselves or to ‘ put it where the sun dont s
    shine ‘,some smart alec decided to ‘ just do it ‘.
    Does this constitute incest or is it inself ?

  2. Self rape? … ..I just bookmarked you….keep up the good work!!!!

  3. Pingback: Mark Lizardo: The guy with a “blue waffle” « The 9th Soul

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