Football Fans are in for a treat this Wednesday evening when popular BBC documentary ‘Who do you think you are?’ returns to our screens with an hour dedicated to the family tree of Manchester United star Wayne Rooney.
Crab Football has seen an advance copy of the documentary and is happy to report that it does not disappoint, as Wayne discovers that his lineage is littered with colourful characters, from violent alcoholics and petty thieves to Micky ‘Celtic Tiger’ Rooney, the infamous Liverpool docklands bare knuckle boxer.
“It’s well interesting!” said an ecstatic Wayne, “I’ve got loads of ancestors. There is dozens of us!”
However the most startling revelation is that Wayne is made of more than Celtic stock, with researchers discovering in the national census that his great great great great grandfather was the famous street artiste Giuseppe Tagliatelle.
For those without a knowledge of Italian circus history Giuseppe Tagliatelli was one of the most famous tumbling artists of 1820’s Italy, famed for his prat falls, trapeze skills and his ability to dive unhurt into a bath of water from 20ft.
“He was the Charlie Chaplain of his era,” Said prominent historian Paul Storey, “however his life took a dramatic turn for the worse after emigrating to London in 1829 when he broke his ankle in a freak tram accident, wrecking his career. After that he tried to earn a crust by deceiving the authorities and local councils, convincingly tripping over cobblestones and faking injuries.”
“This changes everything,” said a flabbergasted John Terry, who apparently can’t stand dirty foreigners, “I used to think he was an honest lad like the rest of us, British to the core but with an odd centre of balance – we always put it down to an inner ear problem. However now I know his history I can no longer defend his performances over the past few weeks, he’s just like Eduardo, a scheming bastard. I hope he gets what he deserves!”
“I for one am glad,” said an un-named BBC commentator, “I was sick and tired of saying things like ‘Hmmmm, that seemed a fortuitous penalty.’ Now I actually can say what was always on our minds, ‘diving *******.”
With such an important international match coming up this Wednesday, we will have to wait and see how this previous favoured Lion heart is now treated by the often hostile Wembley crowd.
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