Shocking news has reached Crab Football that, following last weeks revelation that he was fighting in Afghanistan (here), Rory Delap, scourge of the Taliban and one man missile battery, has been horribly injured in combat. It is reported that Private Delap was a victim of some ‘blue on blue’ combat when the Birmingham born bruiser dropped a 22lb bomb on his feet, resulting in the lose of both of legs, third degree burns to his thighs and a ruptured scrotum.
However in a story of unbelievable bravery and valour our Rory managed to super glue his wounds together and crawl his way back to base camp with just his burly arms and the will to live, stopping only to catch his breath and to tell a wandering meerkat that ‘pain is weakness leaving the body.’
This against the odds tale is being described by the Ministry of Defence as “like Dunkirk multiplied by Rorkes Drift.”
Whilst Rory has been feted as the darling of the British Army, a post modern Simon Weston, there are some that feel Delaps outrageous bout of heroism is merely an attempt to mask the Ministry of Defence’s own trail of blunders and incompetence that has left our front-line soldiers sitting ducks.
Our insider told Crab Football “The truth is so shocking that the media would not be allowed to print it. The simple fact of the matter is Rory did drop the bomb but NOT because of his own incompetence, but because the MoD hadn’t given him adequate supplies. The public may not realise but the troops here are under resourced, under supported and over worked. Some soldiers don’t have full kit bags and we’re still short of land mine proof vehicles – but all Rory requested was a towel to wipe the bombs down with. Just a towel!”
Our insider has told Crab Football that after weeks of asking Private Delap was instead issued with a single jiffy cloth, which was not up to the rigours of army life.
“If he’d had a towel to dry his sweaty hands on he’d still be walking today, it’s a flipping cover-up!!”
However in a turn of events that will make the nation weep with joy it appears Rory, currently confined to a wheel chair, will play Premier League football again. Kind of.
“Rory’s circumstances are exceptional,” said Stoke manager Tony Pullis, “The FA have given us special dispensation to use Rory as a rolling sub – no pun intended – allowing us to utilise his legendary ball throwing skills whenever the ball goes out of play. He may no longer be running around in midfield but he still can take throws – it’s a win win situation for us really.”
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