Paul Hart Seeks Exorcist to Ward Off ‘Spectre of Death’


Beleaguered Pompey manager Paul Hart took the extraordinary steps this week of advertising in local press for ‘exorcists, shaman and/or powerful magi’ to banish daemons haunting Fratton Park. The rumour circulating the coastal club is that GHOULISH former owner Milan Mladenovic has CURSED the pitch itself as well as the stands, board room AND the Eastleigh training ground.

Unconfirmed reports have reached The Crab that prior to his departure Mladenovic, of Romany descent, had desecrated the boardroom in an UNHOLY ritual designed to ruin the club.

Something has been wrong with this club all summer,” said Pompey press officer Alex Sims, “first there was the disappearance of prominent first team members, like Glen Johnson and Peter Crouch, they just seemingly disappeared over night. However we thought we’d be okay, that we’d have the quality to persevere and survive, but when Bobby Zamora scored that goal against us we knew we were truly cursed!

Despite these omens the club didn’t spring into action until manager Paul Hart started seeing apparitions within the hallowed halls of Fratton Park – with the Pompey manager claiming that whilst Kevin Prince-Boateng was inking his contract in a £4m deal he saw Death sitting in the corner of the boardroom with his head head in his hands ‘groaning lightly and occasionally tutting.

This was followed a week later when, after the sale of Niko Kranjcar for £2m, Paul Hart allegedly witnessed Death in the board room repeatedly HEAD BUTTING the board table.

Paul Hart has asked the spectre to depart the club, demanding in the name of God that it should ‘leave this place immediately!‘ However the ever present blight has been spotted at most home games this season, shaking it’s head at proceedings and pointing it’s long, boney finger ominously at Paul Hart.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.


3 responses to “Paul Hart Seeks Exorcist to Ward Off ‘Spectre of Death’

  1. Paul Hart is going about in the wrong way – he should welcome the ghoulies and use them to scare sh*t out of his opponents.Place them in the visitors changing room to unsettle them and to spy on their teamtalk.Put a hex on the ref to influence games or do unspeakable things to him if things don’t go according to plan – can you imagine what Sir Alex would give to have this option.Let the Grim Reaper cut the grass while watching the players go thru their paces – the implied threat will see an improvement in their efforts.Get a few spectres to beef up the defence at corners and freekicks and assist the attack by blowing away the opposing players -there will be a lot of unfunny bloopers.And the ball?The boffins will be scratching their heads trying to explain how the ball moves in mysterious ways.

  2. Great article, its one of the few things that has put a smile on my face in recent months of Pompey despair.
    Trouble is you could almost believe with Hart?

  3. Things are picking up now aren’t they?

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