Manchester United came back from a half-time deficit to stun Arsenal at Old Trafford and record a win in a game packed with more controversy than a West End production of ‘Gary Glitter the Musical.’
“Alex Ferguson is ecstatic,” said Alex Ferguson, who only talks in third person, “I mean some of the lads were cracking out there. Where do I even start? Ben Foster was great, Abou Diaby was magnificent, Rooney’s tumbling skills were Eduardo-esque and what can I say about Mike Dean? His preferential vision is second to none.“
The first half was a pulsating encounter with both teams literally going for the jugular, attacking one another’s goals like they were playing on a perverse, giant seesaw. The game really came to life in the 39 minute when Arsenal’s Russian ninja Arshavin was denied the most clear cut penalty in the history of Premier League football.
“Alex Ferguson laughed his tits off about that,” said the United supremo, flicking some dirt off his shoulders, “I mean, Fletcher takes his legs out from underneath him, pushes the ball away with a hand and then proceeds to dry hump the poor little fella on the floor. I don’t think he could have done more to stop him short of producing a rusty screw driver from his back pocket and stabbing him repeatedly in the face. But the best bit was the look on Wenger’s face, when I caught his eye I shrugged sympathetically as if to say ‘bloody refs’ but when he looked away I was pissing myself.”
Arsenal weren’t moaning for long though as a minute later the Russian produced a cracking left foot drive to give the Gooners a first half lead. A lead that should have doubled early in the second half only for Ben Foster to pull off a stunning reaction save to deny Robin Van Persie from three yards.
With Berbatov and Owen warming the bench it was difficult to see where United’s goals would come from until Wayne Rooney crumbled under a Almunia challenge, Mike Dean checking with the linesman that Rooney was a United player before awarding the spot kick, which the ginger scrote duly scored.
Arsenal were still spitting blood over the incident when Van Persie hammered the United cross bar two minutes later but things were about to get much, much worse for Wenger’s team.
First Abou Diaby short circuited and scored one of the worst own goals I’ve seen in quite some time, heading home an impotent Ryan Giggs cross with no one close to him, meaning United had taken the lead without a shot on target from open play. Then Emmanuel Eboue decided to try and get Evra sent off with an embarrassing dive, earning himself a booking, and then lastly Arsenal were denied a last gasp equaliser in the 95 minute by the lines mans flag. A decision that pissed Wenger off to the extent he kicked a water bottle! A crime so horrid that pedantic Mike Dean, who suffers from attention deficit disorder – as in he needs to be the centre of attention at all times – sent Wenger to the stands. However Wenger, being the enfant terrible he is, decided instead to clamber atop the dug out and stand resolutely in front of the jeering Manchester United fans like some mighty football deity who frowns upon what he is witnessing.