Rory Delap – Taliban Killer


The people of Britain were stunned today after it was revealed that former Stoke and Southampton player Rory Delap had left the glitz and glamour of the Premier League to serve his country in Afghanistan – A deed which has raised eye brows across the Premier League and sent a timely morale boast to our boys and girls on the front line.

“Not many people would do what Rory has done,” explained former manager Tony Pulis, “he explained to us in the summer that he wanted to do something meaningful with his life and wanted to join up, we did everything to convince him but he wouldn’t be swayed, in the end we reluctantly terminated his contract. Everyone at Stoke wishes him all the best.”

For Rory, born and raised in the ghetto of Sutton Coldfield, this will be no cake walk, as he has been deployed to the dangerous Helmand Province where record numbers of British soldiers were killed and injured in the first weeks of July.

“Rory has been a massive hit with the lads,” said Lt Col Giles Monce of the 2nd Battalion The Rifles, “we’re short staffed, under resourced, Ridgback vehicles remain scarce and we still don’t have enough road side bomb detectors. We’re literally running on fumes. However Rory’s infectious personality has been a massive hit. The fact he’s willing to dig in and do his bit for Queen and Country is an inspiration to us all. If he wasn’t so ugly I’d kiss him.”

So The Crab would take it that his selfless act of bravery has made him a popular character?

“Well yes,” said Lt Col Monce,  “but the real reason for his call up is that we haven’t had any fully functioning rocket launchers for, like 6 months now….so he’s a bit handy.”

Handy would of course be the understatement of the century as prominent Clerics in the Helmand Region have put a fatwa on Rory’s head, such is the potency of his attacks.

Fire in the hole!

Fire in the hole!

“Operation One Trick Pony has been a massive success,” confirmed our source, “Rory’s ability to indiscriminately lob rockets towards opposition targets from 60 yards has been a master-stroke, it’s completely taken the enemy by surprise. He killed 10 senior commanders and four camels in his first week, they’re running scared of Rocket Rory!”

However there are some who have moved to pour cold water on these claims, Taliban leader, Mullah Mohammed Durka Durka Omar, told the BBC only last Thursday:-

“We have heard rumours of the big eared infidel! Of the death he brings from the skies! I confess that he was highly effective at first however we obtained a VHS of Stoke vs Blackburn from last season. It wasn’t pretty but it was informative. Now we employ two lanky guards in the mold of Christopher Samba by our bases to watch for these devastating throws and pack the foyers with as many bodies as possible. Now Delap is impotent. Mwhahahaha!”

Demonstrations: Burning Stoke City Flag

Demonstrations: Burning Stoke City Flag

Tomorrow’s edition of The Sun will have a full pull out poster of Rory Delap. Make sure you get your copy and show your support for our boys. Go Rory!

Related article: ‘Wounded in Action.’

This is fictional. Obviously. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.


3 responses to “Rory Delap – Taliban Killer

  1. “to serve his country”

    he’s Irish!

  2. But born in Birmingham….

  3. That is one cracking funny title. I read it with a lot of joy, and I am truly impressed with your sense of humour.
    Please keep it up. I am subscribed to your RSS and I look forward to seeing more of the same.

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