Following injury to keeper Heurelho Gomes Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has publicly declared his interest in every player in the world during a marathon 27 hour press conference on Monday night that left four journalists in critical condition and two dead.
Redknapp, former manager of bankrupt Portsmouth, who literally don’t have two brass pennies to rub together, stated that:-
“Our squad is looking a little thin, we’re down to the bare bones – especially in Midfield. I keep saying to the Chairman that if we want to compete with the big boys we’re going have to get the facking cheque book out. Are there players out there who catch my eye? Course there are you nonce! My squad is thinner than Kate Moss after crash landing in the desert. Like a bleedin’ twiglet!”
The Tottenham supremo then outlined ambitious plans to reinforce his defence, midfield, forward line, back room staff and to purchase an industrial strength bench the size of the Titanic which would stretch half of the White Hart Lane pitch.
“We’re quite interested in Klass Jans Huntlear, Ashley Young, Wesley Snejider, David James, Rafael Van Der Varrt, Patrick Vieira, Cristiano Ronaldo, John Terry, Carlos Tevez, Kaka, Ryan Shawcross, Nani, Gilberto – not the waster we ‘ave – the ather one, that Benzema geezer, anyone who West Ham want, Victor Valdes, anyone in the Championship who is good on Football Manager, Clint Dempsey…..”
“It got dull pretty quickly,” stated David Hampton, writer for the Observer, “at first we all chuckled but after 16 minutes we realised he was deadly serious. There was a dead look behind his eyes. He just kept reading out names one after the other in a consistent, monotonous voice, like a horrid, lopsided metronome foretelling our doom, only stopping to catch his breath and to say ‘but obviously this is between us lads’ and then surreptitiously winking at us, although he might not have been winking, it’s hard to tell sometimes….”
Things went from bad to worse for the beleaguered journalists, as Redknapp showed no signs of stopping, continuing to name every player in the Premiership, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga and all four Swedish divisions.
“Something seemed to go wrong in the fifth hour,” explained acclaimed sports correspondent Matty Lister, representing the Daily Mail, “suddenly he started dropping Ashley Young’s name in after every third player or so, as if he was hypnotising us to believe he’d leave Aston Villa for them, it was too much for two guys from the Evening Standard, they fell to the floor and started shaking, they later died of a brain hemorrhage…..”
It was then that the news hounds realised they had to act, texting, emailing, skype-ing and tweet-ing desperately for help as more of their number perished in this senseless act of excess.
It was only after police officers attempted to talk Redknapp down that things got worse. As trained negotiators failed to convince Redknapp that Ashley Young wouldn’t leave Villa for a team that finished lower than them.
“He just kept saying Ashley Young over and over and over again,” said Detective Inspector Roberts of the Flying Squad, “eventually he stopped but then said he wanted Everton’s Mikel Arteta and Glen Johnson. We knew at this point he would not be reasoned with so we responded with rubber bullets, which unfortunately bounced off his rubber face, so we used stun guns on him instead…… ”
“It smelt of burning plastic.” Said David Hampton.
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