PLANS to introduce compulsory written and spoken English tests for all U.K born Premier League footballers had to be SCRAPPED last week as it emerged 96% of all footballers asked to take part had FAILED the exam.
Qualifying footballers were sent letters in May requesting their presence at a TOP-SECRET location to complete the simple assessment. Our Premier League sources claim over HALF of recipients did not even attend the exam as they were unable to comprehend the content of the letter – with one unnamed England international reduced to confused tears when confronted with the word ‘mandatory’.
The controversial test was introduced in June after the BBC, Sky and the late Setanta Sports received a record number of complaints concerning the content of post-match interviews. Viewers reached breaking point following England’s victory over bi-lingual heavyweights Andorra when, in response to his view on scoring, Frank Lampard produced the following crime against verbal communication:
“Obviously I feel great obviously yeah errrr, at the end of the day y’know, like I said before, yeah errrrrrrr obviously it’s great to score but at the end of day it’s about the team. Like I said before, the gaffers been great from day one and just errrrrr told us to go out there and enjoy ourselves and at the end of the day he got a great response out of the boys y’know, obviously…..errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
By the end of the interview Lampard had discharged 215 “Y’knows” whilst media analysts are STILL counting the number of “At the end of the days” deployed. Lampard’s shocking monologue was later linked to 2 suicides and an unprecedented outbreak of nationwide dreariness.
The entire examination process made such a mockery of the English language that the Premier League has since attempted a hasty cover-up, but Crab Football can EXCLUSIVELY reveal some of the ‘answers’ provided by the players that were able to attend:
* Spurs ace Jermaine JENAS spelt his name with the number SIX
* HULL veteran Ian ASHBEE answered every question with the response “Dance on my c*ck” before covering his paper with crudely rendered phallus
* Chelsea loan-star Scott SINCLAIR cryptically set his exam on FIRE
With its brave attempt to encourage greater articulacy in tatters, the Premier League has instead decided to RE-DUB all post-match interviews with prepared speeches read by well-spoken national treasures including: Nigel HAVERS, Roger MOORE and Terrence STAMP.
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