Five killed in failed Newcastle coup


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Reuters news service is reporting sensational stories tonight that five members of the senior squad at Newcastle United have been executed after a coup to overthrow Mike Ashley failed in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

An anonymous source has stated that a top secret dossier named ‘Operation Valarie’ was found during routine sweeps of the first team dressing room that outlined plans to overthrow power mad Chairman Mike Ashley and to install people’s hero Alan Shearer in his place.

Alan’s popularity in the dressing room and on the terraces has undermined Mike Ashley’s authority for months,” says the source, “there were whispers that Alan was returning to save the team and lead the Toon to glory. But Ashley wouldn’t have it, he ordered that all photos of Alan be taken down at St James Park, deleted any mention of him on the club website and ordered his minions in marketing to photo shop pictures of Ashley scoring goals for Newcastle! Then he spread malicious rumours that Shearer was going to be Steve Bruce’s number two at Sunderland.

The anonymous source continues to state that tyrant Ashley felt everyone was out to get him, hiring food tasters to check his bacon butties for poison and search his favourite shell suit for ‘suspicious’ packages:-

Then today Ashley ordered a sweep of St James’s after intelligence was received that Shearer sympathises were distributing pamphlets to his disgruntled employees. They stormed the dressing room at first light this morning, swinging in throught the windows and smashing down the door, once they’d supressed Danny Guthrie they found the manifesto in Steven Taylor’s locker.”

Highlights from the top secret dossier outlines how:-

1) ‘The fat cat’ needed to be taken to the vet and put down, ‘preferably with a sledge hammer.’

2) That the ‘bald eagle’ is at his safe house drinking horlics and ready to ‘swoop.’

3) That ‘Ashley couldn’t run a bath’ and that unless they act Newcastle could be the next ‘Leeds United.’

4) That Nicky Butt is not to be trusted, this appears to be not specifically in relation to the  coup, just generally, ‘he nicked a fiver from my wallet.’

5) That Kevin Nolan misses Bolton. ‘God has it got that bad?’

It is believed that the ringleaders Andy Carroll, Steven Taylor, Shola Ameobi, Ryan Taylor and Lee Harper have been buried in mass graves by the corner flag after being killed by firing squad. It is unconfirmed whether Obafemi Martins was the shooter and if the execution took ‘five hours’ as reported.

Newcastle United have issued a story that the five young men died in a horrific, yet bizarre training accident when contesting a lazy pass from Joey Barton.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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