Everton Woes Continue with Fellaini Hair Helmet Allegations.


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Everton’s troubled weekend went from bad to worse yesterday evening, with damning allegations from the Arsenal camp being made public.

Following Everton’s 6-1 demolition, Arsenal’s new Belgian signing Thomas Vermaelen has made the accusation that his fellow countryman Marouane Fellaini, was in fact wearing a large helmet during the game, cleverly disguised by his well documented hair style – giving him an unfair advantage when contesting crosses.

Vermaelen had supposedly tried to bring the helmet to the attention of match referee Mark Halsey during the game, however his thick Flemish accent did not help in the explaining of the situation, especially as all foreign accents reportedly make the English referee giggle.

Arsene Wenger has now spoken directly to the press about the apparent hair helmet, “Thomas initially tried to point out the head wear in the changing room at full time. Unfortunately it would seem the explanation was lost in translation, we all thought he was just pointing out Fellaini’s funny hair resulting in a few of the players dancing around the changing room with black under wear on their head …. we all had a good laugh”.

Arsene went on to explain when the penny finally dropped; “This morning we all met up as usual to go over the game. Thomas used this as an opportunity to use the flip chart for what we believed was an impromptu game of pictionary. As soon as a legible drawing of Fellaini was drawn Arshavin immediately stripped and began the same dance from yesterday, underpants and all. However it seems spontaneity was the humour the first time around – this time it just wasn’t funny and if I’m honest a little embarrassing for Andrey”.

Potential Helmet Area

Potential Helmet Area

“In the awkward silence, Robin finally noticed what Thomas was trying to point out and we notified the Premier League immediately. The advantage he would gain really is substantial and extremely unfair – as I have said before, I’m all for performance enhancing head wear in the game but it has to be properly policed!”

Of course this isn’t the first time a team managed by David Moyes has faced this kind of allegation. It all comes hot on the heals of last season’s leaked photo claiming proof that Joleon Lescott’s freakishly large forehead is actually a detachable accessory. Also in 2002, Moyes’ last season in charge at Preston North East, it was continuously rumoured that Richard Cresswell, who had fired them into the play off final that year, had a right foot that was “considerably larger than his left”.

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Lescott Controversy

Nothing ever came  of these allegations, but we will certainly be keeping a keen eye on this current finger pointing.

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2 responses to “Everton Woes Continue with Fellaini Hair Helmet Allegations.

  1. Hilarious shit. Keep up the good work.

  2. Pingback: Match Wits

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