Hull announce signing of ‘star’ striker Jozy Altidore


WCUP U20 World Cup Soccer

The village of Hull City was in party mood this week after Hull manager Phil Brown brought an end to their lacklustre summer transfer activities with the capture of American striker Jozy Altidore.

Following the purchase of Seyi Olofinjana from Stoke there was a palpable sense of relief amongst the locals, particularly as many critics had questioned whether Hull City had either the financial clout or prestige to attract top stars to the club.

On Wednesday night over 50 over excited Hullites, along with press and local media, squeezed into the function room of Whetherspoons to witness the unveiling of the 19 year old forward. The atmosphere in the venue was said to be ‘electric’ before manager Phil Brown pulled back the curtain to reveal Jozy Altidore, drawing gasps from the bewildered attendees. Some even visibly recoiling from his shinny white teeth.

“This,” said Big Phil, moving quickly to calm the locals, “is Jozy Altidore. He is an Am-er-ican. He’s coming to stay with us on loan for the year from Spain and we’re pleased as punch to have him at Hull City. He’s going to solve alot of our problems.”

“Can he make jobs!?” Asked one boss eyed local.

“Is he the chosen one?!” Blurted a snaggle toothed croon.

“Is he an i-pod?!” Shouted another, starring at the Jozy like a caveman who has just discovered fire.

“NO YOU FOOKIN’ IMBECILES!” Responded a clearly exasperated Phil Brown, orange with anger, “JESUS WEPT! HE’S A BLEEDIN’ FOOTBALLER!! An’ a reet good one too! Do you know how many goals he scored in the Spanish Second Division last year? Do you!?!?! Six goals!  Count ’em!”

Which the Hullites faithfully did,  some only needing one hand.

“Now in an ideal world we would have got Michael Owen, an’ trust me I tried reet hard to get him here too. Told him the people of Hull had something to prove. That we were a club going places with big city ambitions an that he’d be like family to us. I said, ‘Michael we’ll treat you like a God’ and I meant that quite literally. We would have offered him a virgins and sacrificed a Londoner an’ everyting – the five star treatment – but he went to Manchester Bloody United. The tosser. He said he wanted to ‘win things.’ But wait until Fergie claps eyes on ol’ Jozy huh? An Amercan! As I live and breathe.”

In related news Hull City Chairman Paul Duffen has announced that the North Stand at the KC Stadium, as promised, has been named after their new signing. As of the 15th August the stand will be known as the ‘Jozy Altidore Stand’ until next summer when negotiations will begin with Villareal and it will be known as the ‘T.B.C Stand.’ Then, depending on the outcome, it will potentially revert back to the ‘T.B.A. Stand.’

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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