English football was ROCKED to its foundations yesterday as it emerged that promising left-back cum central-midfielder Stephen Warnock was actually a highly-dexterous team of CATS – and in news that may STUN our readers – Warnock may not be the only footballer made up of a hard-working but TWISTED collective of skillful animals.
Warnock has regularly been dogged by bizarre rumours that he is no ordinary Premier League footballer but actually a PERVERSE assembly of FELINES. He was memorably pictured last season celebrating Blackburn’s survival in England’s top-flight by chasing a piece of rope tied to a stick, then falling asleep for 25-30 minutes somewhere warm, but not too warm.
Suspicions were further aroused following an interview with 4-4-2 magazine last April when Warnock allegedly answered all questions with “purring and meows, occasionally interspersed with some hissing.” Eagle-eyed Crab-football readers may even have spotted Warnock clearly SPRAYING Tim Cahill with urine during Rovers clash with Everton last August, an incident that former Blackburn chief Paul Ince simply dismissed as “the usual, just handbags, but one of the handbags was filled with p*ss”.
The SHOCKING news was exposed by fellow Blackburn ace Ryan Nelson, the no-nonsense kiwi stopper revealed:
“All the boys, the gaffer and the backroom staff knew that ‘Stephen’ is cats, but he’s been such an integral part of this team, no-one wanted to rock the boat, but I just couldn’t take it anymore…I don’t want to play with cats, you can’t trust them”.
According to Mark Jazzhends, Crab Footballs resident Veterinary expert, Warnock is “most likely made up of up to 13 American long-haired cats and one Manx cat at the centre, controlling and gently guiding the other cats to spray long, hopeful balls up to Benni McCarthy”.
Warnock, 27 had been tipped by some to make the full England squad following some eye-catching performances in his new central-midfield role. However, his chances will surely be DASHED in the face of these stunning revelations; but Warnock is by no means the only player to have questions surrounding his credentials as a real person.
As recently as last week, Hull City powerhouse Kevin Kilbane had to deny that he was, in fact, made up of LEOPARDS and FIELD MICE. Former Arsenal stalwart Kolo Toure had his move to Man City delayed whilst medics verified he was not, as previously rumoured, predominantly made up of WASPS.
This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.