Nicolas Anelka is said to be feeling both ‘distraught’ and ‘betrayed’ after none of his loyal fans turned up on Monday 11th August for the signing of his latest book, controversial autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else’ at WH Smith’s flagship store in Knightsbridge.
The Crab has received word that the Chelsea star, promoting his autobiography on a nationwide book tour ahead of the new season, is said to have been cursing his luck that he chose to have the signing during one of the hottest days of the summer.
“It was probably the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him,” said shop assistant Carrie Parker, who clearly hadn’t read excerpts from his autobiography. “There wasn’t a soul in the shop!”
However Anelka, who has a knack of turning lemons into lemonade, just said ‘c’est le vie!’ and mucked in with the staff during their monthly stock take.
“All was going fine, Anelka was counting up all the Stephen King novels and joking around with us when suddenly a look came across his face like someone had walked over his grave. When we turned around we realised that someone was standing in the main doors. Patrick Vieira.”
“It was like something out of High Noon!” Said regional manager Gavin Marshall, “Vieira was just stood there, silhouetted against the glass doors grinning away with a huge baguette protruding from his Sainsbury’s bag – and that’s not a metaphor, I think he’d literally just been food shopping, but I think there was a message in that. Anyway, they just stared at each other for a few seconds before Vieira, calm as you like, chuckled to himself and put his finger to his lips. It was bloody creepy. Then, casually as you like, he left like nothing had happened. I’m not ashamed to say I was frightened for my life.”
Nicolas Anelka however has sworn to persevere with the release of his new book:-
“The world must know the truth. I draw strength from these ordeals and will continue to walk in the light, I will not be bullied from my righteous path, I turn the other cheek – both spiritually, and if necessary, literally.”
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