The Secret Life of Dean Ashton Is Exposed


The Crab is shocked to learn that injury plagued West Ham striker Dean Ashton has apparently been tracked down by  exasperated manager Gianfranco Zola. On a building site in Stratford! It appears that the cheeky England ‘hit man’ has been earning a second income as a brick layer.

Manager Zola is said to be disgusted at Ashton’s activities. Understandably dismayed his star striker needs to supplement his £40,000 a week income with an additional £200 a week he earns from brick laying.

“I’m bloody livid,” said the West Ham manager, who is as tall as a large child, “he needs a second income like Stephen Hawkings needs rollerblades.”

It is alleged that Ashton, who suffers from lactating nipples and dodgy knees, has been working on the Formby Road site for nearly a whole year and is quite the aspiring scaffolder.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Ashton, who goes by the alias ‘Davey’ as he put his hard hat and copy of The Sport into the back of his white van, which looked suspiciously like a Ferrari.

Sources inside Upton Park also claim to have been contacted by Job Centre Plus after reports were received that cheeky Ashton was popping in on a regular basis, claiming incapacity benefits of £56.34 a week and housing benefits.

“It’s more common than you realise, it’s like Ledley all over again.” Said Martin Ricklock, Senior Fraud Investigator. “These playboys think they can fleece the innocent tax payer for literally hundreds of pounds but we won’t stand for it. We will prosecute to the full power of our legislation.”

However the problems at West Ham could only be the tip of the ice berg as further clubs launch their own investigations, it is rumoured Arsenal are looking into the extra curricular activities of midfielder Tomas Rosicky after receiving an anonymous tip. Their source alleging the Czech maestro is running a highly successful painting and decorating service in East Finchley on the sly.

Rosicky moved quickly to deny these claims, injuring himself in the process.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.


One response to “The Secret Life of Dean Ashton Is Exposed

  1. To be frank, that is absurd. You can’t lay bricks whilst laying flat on your back eating pizzas!

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