Wenger Slams Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography


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Arsene Wenger took time out of his busy pre match schedule to address the hyperbole surrounding the imminent release of Nicolas Anelka’s new autobiography “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.”

As reported earlier this week the Guardian have serialised excerpts of the book where Anelka claims he was hounded out of Arsenal by the bully boy tactics of Patrick Vieira and that he was assaulted in the Arsenal dressing room. An accusation which Wenger was keen to down play.

“There are elements of truth to the story,” stated Wenger, holding his hands up, “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him. I don’t think I can exaggerate it enough to be honest.”

So is there any merit to the accusation that Vieira hit Anelka with it after the Fulham game?

“Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat, “I mean, people don’t appreciate what a burden it was for the poor guy, we had to put a sign up in the showers saying Vieira couldn’t walk around naked. Which was pretty hard to enforce but was necessary. If something caught his attention he could turn suddenly and WHACK he’d clock something with it, break some furnishings or knock a dwarf out. That sort of thing. Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.”

So did Vieira intentionally strike Anelka? Or was Arsene evading the question to protect his former captain?

“Well let’s put it like this. I think if he intentionally struck Anelka round the face with it, and really followed through, then he wouldn’t be around to write an autobiography. If you catch my drift. Unless he wrote it in a Stephen Hawkins, one button at a time with his nose, sort  of way. So yeah it was an accident and Anelka should grow up. And that’s the last I’m saying on  Penis Gate.”

Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin.

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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10 responses to “Wenger Slams Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography

  1. goonerhahahaha

    “Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat….

    ”shifting uneasily in his seat”!!!….wonder why…..reminiscent of somethin…. i guess theres more to this story

  2. “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him”
    LOL ! I haven’t laughed this hard for ages ! ….
    and just when I thought it couldn’t get any funnier…..”Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.”
    Side splittingly hilarious !

  3. At least Arsene didn’t say he didn’t see the incident , getting some funny looks from around the office but hell it’s friday afternoon

  4. Hmmmmmm. Wenger admitting he lies to protect his players….. possibilities possibilities……

  5. Pingback: The Liverpool Way

  6. In your Liverpool slums

    It would have been funnier if he’d said ” I didn’t see it”

  7. It’s impossible for him to say that.

    It’s HUGE.

    It goes round corners and shit.

  8. to be fair there are a lot of big pricks at Arsenal

  9. IBRAHIM BAPPA

    Wenger don’t want to tell us what went wrong they, anelka can not lier to the world.

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