Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography Shocks The Literary World


The much anticipated book

Chelsea forward Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are already labelling ‘shocking’ and ‘compelling.’

The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary.

“I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty.

In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’

However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’

In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals:

“My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’

At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..

WHAM!

Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!”

Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul Dickov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals.

However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’

N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper:

“In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients penis with his miserable, miserable face.”

Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations.

Related posts:

Wenger slams Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography

Nicolas Anelka’s book signing ends in disaster

Nicolas Anelka’s autobiography – Part Deux

This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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32 responses to “Nicolas Anelka’s Autobiography Shocks The Literary World

  1. god that is so gay dude

    LOL

  2. Pingback: ''What really goes on at Arsenal''

  3. Guilty as charged.

  4. Very good but it would’ve been more realistic if you didn’t mention cashley cole. They never played together at Arsenal.

  5. how do you know that this didn’t actually happen?

    anyway, I’ve posted the Holy Moly comments and put you on my blog

    • Christ…. If I had hit the nail on the head it would be a truely amazing coincidence as well wouldn’t it?

      I can imagine Anelka now at his laptop “HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!??!”

  6. If Anelka is at his laptop, it’ll be his brothers pushing the keys for him!

    • Shouldn’t he be moving clubs by now? He’s been at Chelsea for at least 12 months….. Very lax of his brothers…… tsk

  7. Change Galatasaray to Fenerbahçe (where he actually DID play) and this will go through the Turkish press like wildfire… Guaranteed!

  8. To Dave:

    ‘That is so gay’. Are you still 15 years old man? It’s not on.

  9. porridge chucker LMAO – v good

  10. glory glory manutd !!

  11. nelka a moslem or a christain?

  12. pls i want to knw if anelka is a muslem or a chritain?

  13. anlka is of what religion?

  14. This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,

    A definite great read..

    Bill-Bartman

  15. This blog is an absolute riot!

  16. class post man!
    Ashley Cole — i can almost imagine him hopping form one foot to the other in eager anticipation!
    As his wife Cheryl says in her L’Oreal ad: “Limp, weak, lifeless”.
    Is she talking about her hair? I dont think so.

  17. Lol.so this was Anelka’s life .Dont wory bro…life changes and now changed forever!

  18. anelka anelka nicolas anelka.

    one legend was in turkish league. i hope anelka come fenerbahce again

  19. Apparently vieras cock is releasing an autobiography of its own to ” penetrate these lies” vieras cock commented futher saying it regrets it has come to this and its a shame this had to be handled the hard way

  20. Pingback: HorsJeu.net | A la limite du footballistiquement correct | Los bonas footballistiques du comité du 18 décembre

  21. Pingback: Anelka e il pene di Vieira? E la bufala fa il giro del web...

  22. Pingback: La bufala di Anelka preso a pene in faccia da Vieira - SuperStarZ

  23. Pingback: La vera storia di Nicolas Anelka, Patrick Vieira e lo schiaffo di "spade" | Giornalettismo

  24. Hey, this is hilarious! LOL

    Lots of news sites are publishing this as true, now in 2015.

  25. Yeah it’s quite unbelievable. Why is everyone in Italy reporting on this now?

  26. Pingback: Twitter: La verdad sobre el supuesto castigo a Anelka que lo alejó del Arsenal | AFSDP

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